The CooperCheesecake Conundrum
by insipidity
Summary: ABANDONED.The story begins as Sheldon wakes Penny up in the middle of the night because there's been an accident. Things start slowly heading for something that just wasn't supposed to ever happen. Leonard is dating Leslie again, but not for long.S/P M/R
1. The CooperCheesecake Conundrum

**The Cooper-Cheesecake Car Conundrum**

**Penny's apartment:**

"Penny. Penny. Penny."

Penny opened the door to see Sheldon waiting in the hall (as if she expected it to be someone else).

"Sheldon. If you don't give me a good reason as to why you woke me up at 3 am, I'm going to shoot you right here and now."

There was a minute of silence.

"Leonard's exercising social paradigms out with a woman."

"I'm going to get my gun." Penny mock-turned as if to go and pick up the shotgun she supposedly had stashed somewhere in her messy apartment.

"My mom's been in an accident, and I need you to drive me to the hospital. Please."

**Some time later in Penny's car:**

"I really appreciate this, Penny. Thank you." Though the two mocked each other as often as they could, they (and Sheldon especially) were still friends when it counted.

"That's okay Sheldon. So uh, what happened to your mom?" Penny asked. She half-expected for Sheldon to break down and cry, even if nothing she knew of Sheldon suggested it likely to happen. _Then again, quirky as Sheldon might be, he loves his mom_, she thought.

"Apparently she was taken hostage by a group bank robbers. She almost managed to make them surrender to the police, but in the end one of them lost control of himself and took a shot at her. Quite natural, when one looks at the psychological profiles of famous bank robbers/hostage takers."

Penny looked at the pale man next to her incredulously. "Natural?"

"Yes. Most commonly in the case of criminals, especially in murderers and such, if a group is involved, at a certain point of the "heist", if you will, the group members' faith in each other starts to decrease, and usually the one to break down is the one who's certain that, should it come to the police arresting all of them, he would be blamed."

To Penny, the most disturbing part about this particular information was the way Sheldon delivered it: he was playing a video game that made an annoying voice every time he touched the buttons.

"Sheldon, this is your mom. Are you alright?"

"Of course I am. I'm completely unharmed and my bowel movements have been fairly regular these past few months." He was quiet for a while. "Or do you mean to inquire if I'm experiencing emotional turbulence over the fact that my mother was shot?" He sounded incredelous over this last thought that occurred to him.

"Yes! God Sheldon, do you..." She looked at Sheldon, who was looking at her with a blank expression. She got back to looking at the road ahead of her after receiving a worried look from Sheldon, motioning to the only car in sight ahead of them. "Never mind. You just lost your mother, I shouldn't..ya."

"My mother isn't dead!" Sheldon exclaimed, surprising Penny.

"Oh! Sorry, I just assumed.."

"You assumed what? Just because they call me at night to tell me that my mother's been shot, it doesn't mean that she'd be.." Sheldon started breathing very heavily, dropping his toy and reaching for his throat. "I'm-aagh-my-!"

Penny abruptly pulled over, got out of the car and circled the car to his side. She opened the car door and reached for the jockey box(1) and pulled out a paper bag and handed it quickly to Sheldon. To her surprise, however, he batted it away. "Sheldon, you need to breath into this", she tried and moved the bag closer to his mouth, as he was bent down in an effort to breath. After a bit of struggle, she gave up on the bag and grabbed Sheldon, forcing him to sit up straight. "Honey, you need to be in this position-breath-yeah" was what she could manage while holding onto Sheldon as he rocked back and forth convulsively. He grabbed Penny's arms in an effort to sooth himself. After a few minutes like this, he finally regained regular breathing and Penny let go of him.

Penny went back to the driver's seat so they could talk. "Honey, why didn't you just take the bag?"

"While paper bag breathing is generally suggested by doctors, it can in some cases even worsen the patient's breathing. According to empirical knowledge I have gathered from my extensive ailments as a child I would say I belong to the group that find its 'help' merely further worsening my condition", Sheldon replied in feeble voice, looking straight ahead of him, while at the same time apparently checking his heart rate.

"You mean this has happened before?"

"Quite often as a child, yes. Not for many years since."

Left with nothing to say, Penny started the car and pulled back on the drive way. They continued in silence as Sheldon fell asleep.

**Parking lot of the hospital:**

Penny pushed Sheldon on his side to wake him.

"Danger, danger!" he snapped.

"We're here", Penny motioned to the hospital ahead of them. She was worried about how Sheldon would take it if his mother actually died so she didn't say anything about how tired she was.

"Oh."

They made their way inside the hospital and his mother's room. Outside the room they found Missy and a woman Penny didn't recognize but assumed was Sheldon's other sister, who told Sheldon that she needed to get back to work or her sift would be given away. She hugged Sheldon, to which he replied in the most awkward way, after which she hurried away. Missy came to hug him too and greeted Penny. They all got inside Mary Cooper's hospital room, with Penny standing behind the fraternal twins. "Mommy?" Sheldon uttered as the matriarch of their family greeted him, seeming to be in quite good health, only to be betrayed by a cast-looking thing on her right shoulder.

"Hello, Shelly", she beamed in response. "I'm doing just fine, the hospital made a ruckus out of this for nuthin'. Some thugs just didn't agree with me even though I tried to be understanding of him being, you know, Jewish. Hey, how did you even get here? I thought you didn't drive, Shelly?"

"Penny drove me here." Sheldon motioned to the girl who had fallen asleep on the hospital bed next to Mary's. Since his mother had just been shot, he didn't say anything about her calling him 'Shelly', though he very much liked to.

"Shelly, in order to pass trough from Pasadena, California to Galveston (2), Texas she'd had to have driven at least 1400 miles to get here. That's 17 hours."

His mother looked at him as he tried to process this thought. "Has she even eaten today?"

"I don't know, I slept on the way." Sheldon had a feeling that he was once again missing a part of a social etiquette.

"Now, Shelly, you go and get that girl some dinner and then you're going to find her a place to sleep in."

As Sheldon looked uneasy, his mother added: "You know, tired drivers are largely responsible for a lot of traffic accidents..Sleeping on the wheel is a nasty thing."

That settled it: Sheldon stepped outside to make some calls and returned looking rather pleased. "I got as a hotel room with room service, so we only have to go to one place. Now the only thing left.." His gaze shifted upon Penny, who was still sleeping and he fell silent. He looked up at her sister. "Missy. Could you help me carry her to the hotel?"

"You mean carry her for you and then drive you two there?" She asked, mocking him with a grin.

Sheldon looked at her intensely for a moment and then said: "..Yes."

**Tremont House(**3)**, Galveston Texas:**

Penny realised she was in bed with someone. She didn't recognize the room at all. She couldn't remember anything about last night. 'God, I slept with someone I don't even know?' she though. She felt like crying. Then she heard a gentle voice: "Penny."

First thought: 'Oh thank God, I do know the person I slept with.'

Second thought: 'Oh, God, I DO know-no,nonono NO!'

Fourth4 thought: 'Wait, WHAT did I just think?'

She jumped from the bed only to feel nauseated and nearly fall to her knees. Suddenly, Sheldon appeared by her side, fully clothed as she noted.

"I think you had better come back to bed while I order us food." He guided her back to the(ir?) bed. He called room service and argued about his order for quite a while until he claimed to be satisfied (read: they totally rejected his ridiculous demands). Meanwhile, Penny started to remember the day before. She glanced at her clothes. She wasn't wearing the same ones that she'd had on yesterday, but instead a pyjama. Her own clothes were sorted on the night stand, next to them were a pair of clothes that were new.

As Sheldon hung up the phone after thanking the receptionist, she finally found her voice.

"You bought me clothes?"

"Yes. Though I must say, Missy made the final decision on your dayware. She felt that a Flash t-shirt wasn't "your style", whatever that means."

"So it was Missy who dressed me in pyjamas?" Penny felt relieved to find Sheldon *hadn't* gone that far in his social unawareness.

"Oh no, Missy went home after we were done shopping. I dressed you."

"And undressed me?" Penny snapped.

"Well there was really no way around it. In order to dress you, I had to undress you, it's as simple as that. The tricky part was how to was how to wash your armpits without waking you. In the end I discovered I had some disinfectant wipes with me." Sheldon explained, looking extremely pleased with himself and his clever thinking.

"My. Armpits."

"Why yes. Without making sure you weren't sweaty, you might have caught a cold from sleeping in sweaty and dirty clothes."

Penny tried to be calm, after all Sheldon's mo-

"Oh, right. How is your mother?"

"Apparently she is more than fine. Not only is her wound far less than fatal, she caught the interest of the police man making the arrest. He will begin courtship as soon as the trial's over."

"Okay. Good for her, I guess." A pause. "So we didn't-?"

"What?" Penny gave up on this thought: there was just no way..Instead she changed the subject.

"What are we doing here? Where IS here, exactly?"

"My mother told me to take care of you because you exhausted yourself in order to drive me here. She was very insistent about this. So, this is a hotel room. You have slept and you will soon have food." He looked at her as if awaiting for praise.

"Ah", was really all she could say. "Well, at least you're going to be well rested on the journey back."

"How do you mean?"

"Well, you won't be tired since you slept here, right?"

"No. As I was about to attempt to sleep regardless of your presence next to me, I happened to read the brochure of this hotel and it stated that the building was damaged because of a hurricaine name Ike. Therefore I had to keep watch in case something fell down, killing us both."

"It says right here that they renovated the place, see?" Penny showed the passage to Sheldon, who in response snorted. "As if I trust a piece of paper. I have detected alarming numbers of-"

"Enough, Sheldon. Go to sleep now, and I keep watch as I eat when the food finally gets here."

"Agreed."

End of chapter

1 glove compartment. Since it's common to call glove compartments "jockey boxes" on farms and ranches (though more on Pacific Northwest and since Omaha isn't there, this might as well be hocum), and Penny grew up on a farm, she's likely to use this term. Then again, maybe not. I just want to call it that. To be clear, I'm not from the U.S. at all, so..makes no difference to me.

2 I assume that Sheldon's mother still lives in the same town she gave birth to Sheldon in. In the episode "The White Asparagus Triangulation" Sheldon states the the hospital he was born in is Lawrence Memorial, whereas in the episode "The Luminous Fish Effect" his mother notes that he "fell out of her at the K-mart". According to some, both statements stand true as Mary supposedly was rushed to said hospital after her water broke at the K-mart.

3 I'm not plugging anything, but I searched for hotels in Galveston and this was the first that seemed like nice and not majestical. Also, the website told me about the damage it took from Hurricaine Ike, which was perfect for freaking Sheldon out.

4 Yes, I'm not showing you guys the third thought yet. So, Penny's freaked by her third thought in her fourth thought. Got it? Great.


	2. The Underestimated Bet Indeterminacy

Thanks for the reviews! This chapter is a bit shorter so the fifth chapter will end in a more dramatic place.

**The Underestimated Bet Indeterminacy**

**Back at the building in Pasadena, California:**

Penny and Sheldon step into Leonard's and Sheldon's apartment to find Leonard on the couch with a phone in his hand. He got up and grabbed them both, embracing them tightly.

"What the hell happened? You just disappeared for over two days!" He asked, finally letting go of them.

"Sheldon's mom got shot and I had to drive him over there since you weren't here", Penny explained as she sat him down to prevent him from freaking out any further.

"And you couldn't call me?" Leonard directed his anger towards Sheldon, who offered Penny a beverage accompanied by a sandwich he had made using his 'Sheldon-requirements'.

"Well, Penny was hardly in the condition to do anything of the sort, and I was too busy confirming if our hotel room was going to crumble down with the rest of the hotel."

There was a deadly silence.

"Your...hotel room?" Leonard asked through clenched teeth.

"Sheldon, can I talk to you a second? In private?" Penny asked, making her way towards her own apartment, waving Leonard goodbye.

"Well, alright but I still can't understand why everyone suddenly wants to see me in private", Sheldon said and followed her.

Once they were in Penny's room, Sheldon left the door open as he expected to leave soon.

"What is it, Penny?"

"Okay, you and Leonard are friends and if he finds out you saw me naked, he might react badly. So, I think it's best if you don't tell him anything about our trip, okay?"

"You mean 'keep a secret'?" Sheldon asked, alarmed.

Penny thought quickly, as she knew how Sheldon viewed the 'covenance of secret keeping'.

"No, you'd simply be..choosing carefully the parts about the trip you'll be telling him. You know, less hotel room and me and more about your mom and Missy."

They argued on for a while after which Sheldon left. Penny, remembering the last time she'd asked him to keep a secret and he ended up moving out, hoped the impending misunderstanding wouldn't end TOO badly.

**Later, with the whole gang there:**

"I still can't believe you guys actually know Klingon", Penny commented whilst eating yogurt as the boys played Boggle next to her. In order for Raj to participate, Howard had sneaked some alcohol into his juice box while Raj went to the bath room. Rather than complicating the game, he was actually playing better than ever before in their history of playing together, which was also why Howard took away said juice box. He stashed it under Leonard's mint condition comic books that Leonard had brought into the living room while he was cleaning.

"There're sites online, if you want to learn", Leonard replied with an unsure smile, hoping that could bring him and Penny closer even though he knew there was no chance Penny would be interested. "In three months, I'm sure we could converse in a-"

And sure enough, Penny cut in with eyes still on her yogurt: "I don't think so, sweetie."

Unexpectedly, Sheldon snorted.

Leonard watched Penny's expression shift from that of indifference to that of annoyance.

"What Sheldon?" She asked.

"I'm sorry Penny, but Leonard is clearly overestimating your potential . It takes more than "three months" to perfect the Klingon language, and since you don't know anything about the culture or history of Klingon, I very much doubt you'd learn Klingon even in a year. Look at Wolowitz, he still can't tell Klingon and Yiddish apart, and he's been playing with us for years. And there's also.." Sheldon's voice trailed away.

Leonard noted Penny starting to look slightly dangerous.  
"There's also..what?" She asked through clenched teeth.

"Well, according to the data you've given me, you don't know a single language besides English, and you've hardly learned that. Therefore I have no proof of your ability to even master a foreign language."

There was a deadly silence in the room. Sheldon didn't notice anything until Leonard poked him angrily. "What?" Leonard motioned to Penny who seemed to be trying to figure out how to kill Sheldon and everyone else in the room without getting a murder charge.

Leonard, Howard and Rajesh were extremely afraid that Penny would cry. She certainly looked that way, holding back tears and breathing heavily. Even Sheldon was staring at her then.

"Okay", she finally uttered.

"'Okay'?" Leonard asked.

"Pick a topic", she replied.

"Iraq?" Leonard offered tentatively.

"Not you. Sheldon." She looked at the giant mantis of a man.

"Alright. History", Sheldon stated.

"In one month, I will be able to speak Klingon so well I can talk to you about history in Klingon. Deal? If I win, you do something for me. If I lose, I'll do something for you.

"I'll take that deal. My hammer toe is in dire need of pommessing since Ramona left", Sheldon replied with a confident smile on his face, closing in on Penny so they were only inches apart.

"Just thinking about all the awful movies I can make you suffer wit-I mean make you watch through, of course", Penny said, smiling with a vicious glee in her eyes.

"We'll see. In fact, I'll offer to help you study myself, to improve your chances. Of course, in your case there's still no chance. No offense."

"None taken". Penny closed in on him so they were almost close enough to kiss, then she moved to whisper in his ear so that others couldn't hear:  
"And this time..nobody calls your mother in the middle of the game."

She leaned back and they stared into each other's eyes competitively, as the rest of the gang looked horrified. Howard was the first to recover, as always. He patted Leonard on the back and said. "As the next month will undoubtedly be horrible, I suggest you relocate to my house, Leonard. My mom's making a brisket tonight."

Leonard nodded feebly as his room mate and ex-fling attempted to blow up each others heads Scanners-style.


	3. The KlingonCardassian Experiment

**The Klingon-Cardassian Experiment**

**1 month later:**

In the end, Penny refused Sheldon's help after discovering his assistance was way too detailed to be of much help: Before even teaching a word of Klingon to Penny, he described in depth the grammar of Klingon, leaving her absolutely no chance for comprehension. So, Leonard didn't have to move in with Howard as Penny and Sheldon didn't have any interactions during the following month after the bet had been made. Besides work, Penny didn't go out at all. Leonard had gone to check up on her only to discover her apartment filled with hundreds of post-it-notes with Klingon words on them. She'd rushed him out to get back to studying. She was really serious about beating Sheldon in his own game, which worried Leonard to no end. Also, there was something increasingly odd going on: Leonard, Raj and Howard were banished from Penny's apartment until the bet was over, but Sheldon visited on a daily basis. This would've been understandable were Sheldon teaching Penny, but since he wasn't, it was..strange.

Finally, the Judgment day arrived.

Leonard, Raj and Howard were sitting on the couch. Leslie Winkle was sitting on Sheldon's seat, since Penny and Sheldon had their own seats on both sides of the table (Sheldon had arranged the living room to look like a ceremonial Klingon duel hall(1).

"nuqneH!(2)" Penny greeted Sheldon victoriously.

"tlhIngan Hol Dajatlh'a'(3)", Sheldon replied questioningly.

"qay'be'(4)", she replied.

They changed the subject to the task at hand, history. Howard turned to speak to Leslie. "So why are you here?"

"I gotta see Barbie talk Klingon. When Leonard first told me about this, I wasn't sure whether to believe him, especially since somebody had spiked his drink and next he was reaching for a bottle of milk. Regardless to say, I stopped him and the night ended pretty nicely, I might add."

"You're sleeping with Leslie Winkle again?" Howard asked Leonard, surprised. Raj couldn't talk with both Leslie and Penny in the room, so he settled for squeeking and looking bewildered.

"Yeah, Leslie and I talked about it and we figured that by forcing our theories on our potential kids, we might end up causing them to rebel in response, so we're simply going to encourage them to develop intellectually", Leonard replied smiling awkwardly at Penny's presence, reaching one hand over Leslie's shoulder, who smiled in return.

"So..Penny's available for coitus?" Wolowitz asked after a moment.

"ghobe'(5)", Penny and Sheldon both yelled at him.

"Alright, I get it", Howard admitted defeat to Penny. Then he seemed to think of something. "But why are *you* against it, Sheldon?"

They all looked at their Vulcan-looking friend, who seemed confused.

"I..Didn't you come here to watch us debate?" Sheldon snapped, causing them to resume watching him and Penny converse.

"Do you speak Klingon, Leslie?" Leonard asked the woman next to her.

"Not a word. What're they saying?"

Leonard listened to the odd couple for a while.

"Penny's actually holding her own. They're going through the Cardassian (6) invasion of 2372."

After ten minutes of heated talking, yelling and down right shoving, Penny seemed to have finally reached her limit.

"I-jIyajbe'(7)", she whispered.

"Qapla'(8)", Sheldon shouted in joy.

As Sheldon started doing the dance of victory, Penny, looking crushed, got up and headed towards the door.

Sheldon heard her open the door and turned around. "Penny!"

She turned slowly around. She had tears in her eyes. She and Sheldon were both equally sore losers. "What, Sheldon? You're going to tell me that I'm unfit for any tasks beyond taking someone's order at the Cheesecake factory?"

"Quite the contrary, Penny. You mastered Klingon in a mere month!" Sheldon looked at her, suddenly looking very appreciative.

"But I didn't understand the last part", Penny stated, still looking anxious to leave.

"That was me operating the test of the Chinese emperor on you", Sheldon responded.

"What?" Penny asked, too tired for this.

"A Chinese emperor didn't have an heir, so he sent all the children of his kingdom a jar with dirt in it, and a seed. They were told to grow the plants and the one who brought in the most beautiful one, would become the emperor's heir. There was a small Chinese boy who also got a jar, but no matter how he tried, he couldn't make his seed grow. He tried watering it, fertilizing it, everything to no avail. Then came the day the emperor examined the flowers of the children. Every child except for that little boy had beautiful flowers, colorful and bright-colored. The emperor looked at the flowers and snorted at each of them. Then he came to the little boy without a flower. 'Where is your flower, boy?' He asked the distraught boy. The boy broke down and cried. 'I tried my everything, but it just wouldn't grow!' he spoke with tears in his eyes. But, the emperor smiled, placed his hand on the boy's head and announced that this was the boy that would become his heir. After that the emperor told the other children that the seeds they'd gotten had been cooked, so nothing could've grown from them."

"What does this have to do with any of this?" Penny asked impatiently.

"The last part was in yiddish."

The room fell silent as they processed what his last statement had meant. Then:

"You mean I won?" Penny asked incredulously.

"Yes! Had you pretended to know what the last phrase meant, you would've lost. And Wolowitz owes me 50 dollars", Sheldon reached his right arm out to Howard who handed him the money.

"Why?" Leonard asked.

"A month ago Wolowitz suggested that even I with my amazing talents couldn't get Penny to learn Klingon. How wrong you were to doubt me, my friend", Sheldon looked at Howard victoriously. Leonard smiled to himself. The only time Sheldon would lose AND accept defeat was if he had planned to lose all along.

"Well, I wasn't the only one in doubt", Howard muttered as he received a 20 dollar bill from Raj.

"So you used me as a guinea pig to win a bet?" Penny asked Sheldon, now calm.

"In the beginning, that was the general idea, but you did it all by yourself! Do you realize what this means, Penny?" Sheldon looked ecstatic.

"No, what does it mean Sheldon?" Leonard asked, expecting things to go bad any minute.

"If you can learn Klingon in a month, do you realize the possibilities you have with other languages? You could learn French, Chinese (don't let Wolowitz teach you, he's not good at it) or any other language and it wouldn't even take you long. You wouldn't need to cling to futile hopes of you becoming an actress!"

Penny looked at Sheldon ramble on about her possibilities to become a diplomat and more with her head tilted slightly to her left. Then she abruptly turned around and left.

End of chapter

1 Oh come on, if they don't have one, they *ought* to have one!

2 nuqneH= What do you want? (used as a greeting in Klingon language)

3 tlhIngan Hol Dajatlh'a' = Do you speak Klingon?

4 qay'be' = No problem!

5 ghobe' = No (as an answer).

6 a race in Star Trek; appearance resembles that of lizards, though otherwise humanoid.

7 jIyajbe'=I don't understand.

8 Qapla'= Success!


	4. The Mole Postulate

Before you start reading, I want to thank you for your reviews and especially for the constructive criticism I received from Rashaka! Also, since duty calls,

I'm warning you guys that since I'm getting back to my studies, I will probably update less frequently from now on. Since I'm fortunate enough to get a free university education, I'm going to savor it. So I'm not going anywhere, I just have to study. I doubt I'll disappear for long, since I'm hopeless in restraining myself from fun, but let's pretend I have an actual backbone. Right, and no, I don't speak Klingon. I found helpful phrases and used them. Not that I wouldn't want to learn it but I can't find pronunciation tips, other than the one for 'Qapla'!'

**The Mole Postulate**

Several days had gone by since Penny had stormed out of their apartment. Since then she hadn't visited them. They had all gotten used to her presence and her absence was more than noteworthy. She said hi to all of them, even Sheldon, but refused all invitations to come by. Finally Leonard, Howard and Rajesh arranged a meeting to find ways to force Sheldon into apologizing to Penny since after the incident Sheldon had fallen into a state of meditation: he was constantly murmuring to himself and in result very non-responsive to his friends' attempts in reasoning with him. However, just as they were about to corner their mantis of a friend, he left the apartment carrying something they couldn't see and they heard him knocking on Penny's door in his usual manner.

"Penny. Penny. Penny."

The eavesdroppers positioned themselves strategically, ready to hear the fight, but there was such a long silence that they already expected Penny not to be home. Or too angry to answer. Finally, the door opened, revealing a surprisingly calm, yet tired Penny. She looked visibly sad, tilting her head to her side.

"Penny?"

"Yeah?"

"Tomato pie?" Sheldon stated quietly, offering a plate wrapped in plastic, motioning with his head inside Penny's appartment.

Penny raised her hand to his chest, grabbed him by his shirt and pulled him with her inside, closing the door after her.

**Penny's apartment:**

Penny placed the pie carelessly on her living room table and then slouched on the couch behind it as Sheldon headed for the green chair he'd claimed 'his spot'. The pale man handed her a list, which she took with some difficulty due to her poor positioning. She lifted the paper in front of her face to get a good look.

"What's this?"

"Suggestions for your prize. I've been gathering them for a while as you seemed to struggle coming up with anything on your own. Or at least so I assumed

since you didn't come to see me."

Penny got up to sit. Now that Sheldon had specified the context to her, the notes on the piece of paper made sense, like #1 Handle shift at the Cheesecakefactory, #2 Help with language studies.. Sheldon had, as usual, done a thorough job at it. There were 36 things he'd come up with.

"Prize?"

"Yes. You won our bet."

"But our bet was only the result of your bet with Howard."

"My bet with Wolowitz was monetary whereas our bet was favor-based. Therefore they don't coincide with each other, one merely induced the other. The bottom line is, I owe you a favor."

"So you didn't come here to apologize?" Penny knew the man well-enough to know what to expect, but she had to try, had to believe that for once Sheldon would surprise her.

"For what?

Figures.

"You used me as a lab rat in your own experiment!"

"So? It was for your own good."

"You want to 'improve me' so I don't have to be a lowly waitress anymore, is that it?" Penny snapped.

"Excuse me?" The pale man was surprised at her outburst.

"You set up a plan to make me stop being a wannabe actress and give up my dreams. You just don't get it! I want to be an actress! I suppose you're going to

say that I suck at acting and I sing horribly too, so I should just give up like you all think?"

"I don't tell Leonard either that he should give up his career or Wolowitz that he should stop being an Oompa-I mean an engineer, if you will."

"Then why me? Why are my dreams so easily wrecked by you? Why can't you for once leave your insufferable, possessive need to control everyone at the door?"

Sheldon looked at her for a very long time. Penny realized she'd hurt him as he tilted his head from side to side, trying not to show it.

Sheldon replied in a cool tone: "If I may interject, I never would've began my efforts of finding you a more suitable job if you hadn't broken down in our

hallway (1) and cried about hating your job. Since you expressed discontent over your present condition, I sought to fix it. You don't want to be a waitress,

and you certainly have no talent for show business, therefore you have to find something else."

"So you DO think like that! You think I'm a no talent waitress who just-" Penny started to yell, but was cut off by Sheldon.

"A simple bet proved just the opposite, that you do have talent! You are capable of learning languages, and quite quickly I might add."

"But languages aren't what I want to do! I don't want to become a diplomat, I want to act, do you hear me?"

"Then you're a fool. If one has a passion for something, but can never succeed in it, I think it's only natural to shift one's interests elsewhere. Speaking

of which, I'd suggest French or Spanish as a start, as they are close to English."

"Whatever", Penny replied, muffled. She was trying to stop herself from crying in front of Sheldon, and she'd half turned away from him and covered her face.

"And as for my personality..Never mind. I see that we're done here. We shall continue this another time." Having said this, Sheldon left.

Penny buried her face into one of her couch cushions and burst into tears.

IIIIIIIII

A few days later Leonard invited Penny to their apartment to talk about what had happened. Sheldon certainly hadn't been helpful, as he at first replied to

all attempts on Leonard's part to find out what had went on with a 'I'm working, Leonard' and later with a 'I think I've got it now, but don't disturb me'.

Penny, on her part, was a mess. She'd described the big picture to Leonard and how Sheldon had told her the truth about her potential for show business(2),

despite Leonard having specifically told him that a part of friendship is supporting one's friend's ambitions, no matter how futile they were. During the

time Penny had known them, Leonard had always seen her hold her own against Sheldon, which was why her sudden defeat was hard to watch past by. Especially

since Penny had actually won this time, she should've been overjoyed, mocking Sheldon at every possible turn. Of course, her victory was dimmed by the fact

that Sheldon had actually let her win, but this was still unexpected.

"He actually told me to quit acting", Penny uttered. She'd reached a point in her rant where she'd calmed down and now she was just repeating what Sheldon

had said to her.

"Penny, you have to let this go. This is Sheldon. Besides you've never took anything he said this hard before. Why now?" Leonard took her hand and held it.

Penny smiled absently and freed her hand to have some more tomato pie she had been angrily consuming during the beginning of her rant.

"It's different now", she replied with food in her mouth.

"Why? Has something happened?" Leonard asked innocently, not suspecting anything.

Penny glanced at him, then reverted her eyes to the door that she had been eying the whole time she had been there.

"Nothing in particular."

Suddenly the door flew open and Sheldon stepped inside carrying a plastic bag with him. He spotted Penny in his seat, but for once, didn't comment on it,

which meant he had something more important on his mind.

"Ah, Penny, I'm glad you're here. I'd like to talk to you."

Leonard squeezed Penny's shoulder and stated: "I guess I'll go to my room."

Sheldon looked confused. "There's no need, I'm not going to talk about anything that includes secrets."

"I'll go anyway."

"Well, alright then." He watched Leonard disappear into their hallway and then sat next to Penny on the couch.

"Penny."

"What?"

"What're your favorite actresses?"

Penny was taken aback. After both Sheldon and Leonard had proven their pop culture-disability (3), this was among the last questions Penny expected to hear

from Sheldon.

"Why?"

"Just go along with me, alright?"

"Well, I guess along the lines of Helena Bonham Carter, Emma Thompson, Natalie Portman, like that?"

Sheldon got up and positioned himself in front of his laptop and started typing. Penny looked at him expectantly as she noticed the plastic bag he had left

on the couch. She took a peek inside and saw it was filled with brochures from different universities and learning institutes. She wondered whether Sheldon

was looking to further advance himself or- she bit her lip angrily- they were for her.

"Are you gathering up programs you want to enlist me in?" She asked him, annoyed.

"Yes, but I haven't sorted them yet. I'll give them to you once I remove the flyers you're not going to need."

"Didn't you hear what I said the last time we disagreed? I. Don't. Want to study languages."

"Ah, but-ah, here it is. Something that all your favorite actresses have in common, is that they all speak French." Sheldon leaned back to give Penny a

better view of the site he was on. Penny walked over to him and saw a listing of 'French-speaking actors and actresses'.

"This is.."

"Yes. Have you considered that you could start your career overseas, using another language, and once you've acquired experience there, you might have an

easier time here as well? After all, at the moment your resume is practically empty of anything acting related but if you started in a different country,

using a different language.." He trailed away, smiling encouragingly (well, as much as Sheldon could manage without looking extremely creepy. So it was more

like he twisted his lips a little upwards).

"But there's no saying that just because I'll learn French, I'd get French acting gigs", Penny tried to argue, but not very forcefully.

"But it would improve your chances, wouldn't it? And it's better than just waiting around, isn't it?"

Penny pondered for a moment. She knew Sheldon had probably just devised a new plan to get her to learn languages, but nonetheless his argument seemed

perfectly valid.

"Fine. I'll let you help me. But only to improve my chances of getting acting gigs, alright?" She smiled though she tried not to. All her anger towards him

had disappeared. Now that she knew what Sheldon was planning, she just needed to not fall for it. She offered him her hand and Sheldon shook it.

"Naturally."

**A minute or two later:**

After Penny had gone and Leonard heard the door close, he came to check up on Sheldon. He leaned on the wall.

"So.."

"So, what?" Sheldon asked in return, his main focus being in the plastic bag he had emptied and started sorting its contents.

Leonard shifted his weight on another leg. "Did you apologize to her?"

Sheldon looked up from his project and eyed him. "For what?"

_Figures_, Leonard thought and sighed. "Nothing. So what did happen?"

"She is going to become a diplomat", Sheldon flashed a content smile (not the creepy one) which he always showed after his plans were succeeding.

"I really doubt that, Sheldon. She just told you a few days ago that she intends to become an actress, no matter what."

"Ah, but soon she'll come to her senses. I already got her to study French", Sheldon replied with an expression that could only be described as 'Sheldon

patting himself on the back'.

"Really? She gave up on acting?" Leonard knew his friend had amazing capabilities, but that would've been pushing it.

"No, I used trickery and deceit", Sheldon corrected him proudly.

"This is bad. Really, really bad." Leonard remembered the last time he'd heard Sheldon use those words.

'Hoo boy'.

**A week later:**

After Penny and Sheldon had 'made up', so to speak, Penny had resumed her visits to their apartment. The only downside of this was that as shocked as they'd been over Penny's absence, at least Raj had been able to express his shock. Now he simply sat there and if he needed anything, he whispered to Howard, who in turn mocked him by deliberately saying quite different things from the ones Raj had whispered to him.

On one such occasion as they were all eating:

As Raj whispered something to Howard, the short engineer announced: "Raj would like some hiney."

Everybody turned to look at the two, as Raj looked as if he was about to stroke. "Oh sorry, he meant to say 'honey'", Howard 'corrected', not sorry at all.

Leonard poked him on his side. "Stop making fun of him, Howard."

"Oh come on!"

"Yeah, Howard, that joke was funny when Sheldon did it accidentally on his computer (4), but otherwise, it's old", Penny stated digging in on her bowl. Howard raised his hands in defeat and they all got back to eating.

"I have a new mole", Sheldon announced.

"Great. Tell us more, Charlie Brown", Howard replied, pretending to be bored out of his mind.

"Well-"

"He was being rhetorical, Sheldon", Leonard cut in before he had the chance to explain further.

"Regardless, I need you to call Stephanie, Leonard."

Leonard thought for a moment that not even Sheldon could be so insensitive to social relationships. Then he remembered exactly who he was roommates with.

"Sheldon, Stephanie and I broke up. I can't call her." Before Sheldon could insist, he added: "It's a social convention that one goes through when breaking

up with one another." Leonard had learned that adding the words 'social' and 'convention' while in argument with Sheldon usually sped up the ending-part of the conversation. Not this time,

though.

"But you still call, see and talk to Penny on a regular basis. I don't see how this fits your theory."

The room fell silent (then again, in Raj's case it wasn't a big change when Penny was around).

"Furthermore, you're dating Leslie now. What harm calling Stephanie could possibly do?"

To anyone else, specifically *having* a girlfriend would stop one from calling his ex-girlfriends. But they couldn't exactly blame Sheldon, as he had no way of knowing that, at least not through experience.

"Never mind. Why do you need a doctor, anyway?" Leonard skipped the lecturing part, as he knew in Sheldon's case it would be in vain.

"I already told you. I have a new mole. It could be a sign of melanoma or cancer or a bunch of other diseases", Sheldon replied while lifting his shirt and

tugging his pants, revealing a small brown spot on his pelvis.

"Sheldon, a mole doesn't mean you have cancer. Just because I don't have moles, doesn't mean I'm any less cancer prone than you are", Penny interjected (sitting in Sheldon's spot).

"Yes you do."

"I'm sorry? What 'do I do'?"

"You do have a mole."

Penny looked slightly unnerved. "No, I don't. I've seen myself naked enough times to be pretty sure about this."

"I'm quite certain about this. You have a mole on your left butt cheek."

Penny turned white. Then she blushed beetroot red. Leonard, Howard and Raj observed her color changing, then the latter two looked at Leonard and wondered how he would react. Leonard flashed his 'I hate you all so much, but humour me nonetheless'-smile and asked in a deceitfully warm tone:

"And how would you know that, Sheldon? Did you accidentally see her come from the shower or something?"

Sheldon replied absently, visibly pondering which of his doctors to call: "No, she was on her stomach and it was easier to undress her that way than turning her first."

Leonard's eyes widened and he turned quickly to look at Penny, who diverted her eyes away guiltily.

"You two had sex?" Howard asked incredulously in Leonard's stead. Leonard, gaping in disbelief, was stunned. His mind was racing: Of all of their friends, Leonard had

been sure that Sheldon was the one he never had to fear of sleeping with Penny.

"NO!" Penny quickly yelled. "I was sleeping when he undressed me." She realized that that didn't sound any better to Leonard, who turned to look at Sheldon as

if he was some sort of rapist. "He took my clothes off, and then just put another set of clothes on. Nothing happened."

"How do you know? You were sleeping, weren't you?"

"Leonard!" Howard yelled. Leonard turned to look at the engineer. "This is Sheldon, remember?" Howard reminded him.

After a moment of silence, Leonard smiled. For real, this time. "Yeah, sorry. I need to go lie down."

"Wait, Leonard", Sheldon called after him. "I need you to drive me to the hospital."

"Have Penny do it", Leonard replied without turning.

Sheldon turned to look at Penny, who sighed. "That was the last time I let you take my clothes off, if it doesn't even get me off driving duty."

End of chapter

1 The Barbarian Sublimation: The episode in which Sheldon gets Penny hooked on online gaming and she keeps him up at night..

2 They've only stated that Penny's not a spectacular singer, but I'm going to assume there IS a reason she hasn't gotten much acting gigs, either.

3 The Bat Jar Conjecture

4 The Vartabedian Conundrum


	5. The Argument Paradox

**The Argument Paradox**

Leonard was staring at him, he was sure of it. This had been going on for at least a day. Sheldon was quite sure he wasn't improperly dressed, nor was he doing anything particularly interesting, he was simply playing Age of Conan along with Raj and Howard. His experiences with his friends had taught him that usually when his friends or, in this case, just one, held him as a target of their/his attention, the reason behind this was usually traceable back to his recent interactions with them. It was noteworthy that this occurrence was also more than common in his relations with Penny. So, Sheldon pondered, despite his utter lack of experience in these matters, on the possible triggers behind Leonard's keen staring. His mind raced through minor squabbles over food, tv-related decision making until it settled on the most likely cause, being Penny, of course. This further troubled Sheldon. As he hadn't argued with Penny, or at least they had made peace the last time they did, so what reason would Leonard have to stare at him accusingly?

He felt he was in an awkward place, both in-game and off-game: in-game his character had just failed to do the most simple task he could think of (can you turn around before you get stabbed, Sheldor the Conqueror?) because he had been distracted; off-game he wanted to reason with Leonard but his chances were low as he wasn't sure of Leonard's main problem, thus decreasing his amount of time of preparation for a verbal argument to an absolute zero. He wasn't very keen on having to do this, but since he couldn't take any more of Leonard's staring, he logged out and approached Leonard who was sitting next to their kitchen table.

"Leonard."

"Yes?" Now Leonard was looking at him in an even more annoyed way.

"Have I done something to you? Offend you, or perhaps your mom or Leslie?"

Over at the couch, Raj felt a punch in his side. "Ouch! Wolowitz, what do you w-" He was cut off by Howard's excited look and motioning to Sheldon's and Leonard's direction. "This is going to be good", Howard said, his eyes practically glittering as he drew his phone out of his pocket so he was ready to take pictures in case a fight produced itself. Raj logged both him and Howard out since the engineer's attention had shifted elsewhere and his character was about to run into a gang of barbarians. After Raj rescued Howard's laptop from falling on the floor as the man of small build abruptly rose to get a better look, they both began viewing the impending fight between the two physicists.

Leonard looked angry. "Of course you don't understand. After all, you are made of medal."

"For the last time, I am not a robot. I had a doctor check. Now, if there's nothing you want to tell me, at least stop staring at me. It's very unnerving." Sheldon recognized the signs of the argument: first Leonard would use sarcasm on him, he wouldn't understand and just as he was about to give up, Leonard would finally tell him his main issue. Sheldon would just have to patiently wait for the the shorter man to get to the point.

"I'm just shocked–I mean, you..!" Leonard managed. He was irked by Sheldon looking at him in an extremely confused manner.

"Go on", the tall mantis-like man before him urged him.

Both of them heard the door make a sound, and they assumed they had been left alone. It gave Leonard more courage to speak his mind, as it didn't become Sheldon to gossip. "You know what Penny means to me", he finally uttered.

"Yes. You see her as the queen bee and yourself as a drone. According to the file Raj and Howard have compiled, it's quite unhealthy for both you and Penny."

"Nonetheless–wait, they have a file on me and Penny?"

"Well, actually it's more of a folder, including all of Penny's relationships, flings and dates from the time we have known her. You have your own spread, but you're but a drop in the ocean."

"She doesn't go out with that many men!" Leonard defended her imaginary girlfriend's honor (so where does that leave Leslie in his mind, then?).

"You're right, I may have used a poor metaphor on that one. The folder is actually not that heavy, though they do have articles on some subjects that one might consider...surprising." To Leonard's very own surprise, Sheldon flashed a small bashful smile.

Leonard egged him on. "Such as?" He was replied with silence, but he could visibly see Sheldon's face redden so he didn't really need further confirmation on just who he had meant.

"Uh-huh."

Sheldon knew that when Penny was in question one had to stay on Leonard's good side. Not because he was physically threatening, but if Sheldon had to listen through another one of Leonard's emo-seasons, genetically enhanced cats started to seem like the better option. And that was saying something.

"I had nothing to do with it! Raj and Howard simply wrote an article saying that my interactions with Penny could be classified as being filled with 'ardent passion'. Damn Howard and his poetical hobby." Sheldon finished talking and began staring at Leonard pleadingly. 'No emo-songs, no emo-songs...'

Leonard saw his desperation and tried to assure him. "Sheldon, I know you don't have anything to do with Penny."

Sheldon had a mental 'phew'-moment.

"But-"

_Oh, drat._

"I just–It was supposed to me, get it?"

Just when Sheldon thought he'd gotten the hang of their conversation, he was pushed off the edge yet again. "Who was supposed to be you?"

Leonard hesitated but then remembered that they were alone. He hoped to death that Howard hadn't left a camera somewhere in their apartment. "The one to undress her."

"Who?" Sheldon looked at Leonard's expression and it finally dawned on him. "Penny?"

"Yes. How long do you think I've been hoping to get together with her?"

"Well, ever since she moved here, so that makes it-"

"That's not important now", Leonard cut him off as he was reminded of the reasons as to why one should never use rhetorical questions on Sheldon. "You're not even dating her. She doesn't even like you very much! Why did you get to undress her?"

"Leonard, I'd like to remind you of the situation and context of that time. As my mother tells me, she had just done me an enormous favor and exhausted herself helping me. The least I could do was to prevent her from getting sick due to insufficient care."

"That's not the point! I know you've never found another fellow creature of your species but just because you didn't feel anything while doing whatever you were doing with her doesn't make it okay to me."

Sheldon gathered his memories of that day/night and started estimating his sentiments. There had been quite a lot of turmoil within him that day and he had fainted, too. Also it had been the first time he had seen a woman outside his family naked. In reference to all this, Leonard's estimation seemed inaccurate. "Well, I wouldn't say 'anything', but-" Sheldon trailed away as he saw Leonard's expression. "No matter. I thought you were quite content in your current relationship with Leslie Winkle."

Leonard raised his hands behind his head and took a breath. "I am, but no matter who I date or will date, I'm always going to hope that Penny will fall for me. Nothing or no one will change that."

"I guess that terminates our previously agreed relationship paradigm, then", they heard someone state behind them. Along with hurt, the voice was also filled with amused sarcasm. They turned to see not only Leslie, but Penny as well behind them, accompanied by Howard and Raj. Apparently the four had hid behind the couch so as not to make themselves noticed. Now, however Leslie had stood up and headed for the door.

"Leslie, wait", Leonard called after her. As she turned, Leonard noticed she looked wonderful. It wasn't so much anything about her appearance, but the wave of attitude she gave.

"Leonard."

He was at a loss for words. He couldn't really take back what he had just said, as he had meant it, but he felt he needed to say something. The end result he achieved was fish-like gaping.

"I-"

"Leonard. I don't care much for substitutes, in anything, really, and I certainly don't intend on becoming one myself. I think we had a good run, but this is it." She squeezed his hand and left.

For once, Howard and Raj looked guilty over entrapping their friend, as they had been the ones to let Leslie and Penny inside to watch the argument between the two physicists. Penny and Sheldon glanced at each other, Penny motioned to the door and Sheldon nodded. They both got up and made their way for the door. Just as they were halfway through the door, Leonard raised his voice so they'd hear him: "Penny! Wait up, you two."

Penny shot a sideways glance at Sheldon who was whispering to himself 'no emo songs, no emo songs'. 'No help from there', she thought to herself. "Yes, Leonard?"

Now that everybody was there to hear him speak, the short physicist was more nervous than ever (well, this week). "So..you heard that..um..that?" Leonard stuttered.

"I did", Penny replied calmly. She turned to Sheldon. "Why don't you go to my apartment and get started already?"

"Now, Penny, the point of this is to familiarize you with the material", Sheldon rebuked her in return.

"Private Cooper, go into my apartment. Clean, cook, do whatever you want. Just don't be here right now", Penny commanded him.

"Ah, I'll get right to it", Sheldon instantly understood and left.

Penny turned back to Leonard. "Why didn't you guys just use direct commands years ago?"

"We fear that by encouraging his militaristic side, we might cause bigger problems than a few misunderstandings."

"Right, the 'one lab accident away from being a super villain'. Gotcha."

Leonard couldn't help but ask. "Why is Sheldon going into your place, anyway?"

"He finally sorted the brochures he promised so we're going to go through them and find suitable courses for me", she smiled cheerily.

"Ah, good for you", Leonard congratulated her.

They moved to the hallway to talk, as with Sheldon in Penny's and Raj and Howard in their apartment, it was 'the neutral zone'.

Penny eyed him. "So you still have feelings for me."

Leonard was startled by her way of blurting it all out. "Yeah."

"Leonard, if you really feel that way, and all the other women out there are just replacements for me, and that's not going to change, how can the two of us be friends?" Penny asked him with her head slightly tilted to her side.

"I don't know." Leonard stared at his feet for a long time, looking uneasy. He then muttered 'see ya later' and returned to his and Sheldon's apartment as Penny stepped inside hers.

She entered her flat to see Sheldon look up from the chair he'd claimed his own, his lap covered in papers and brochures from different universities and institutions. She sat on the couch. "I need your help."

"I know, that's why I'm here."

"No, I need your help in making Leonard hate me."

End of chapter

I know this chapter had quite a little S/P interaction, but this was an important chapter to make since it will float the story quite the bit. And I swear it won't be what you think,there're quite other things in store for them. Poor Sheldon...


	6. The Blue Diary Conjecture

**The Blue Diary Conjecture**

"That seems rather laborious, if not near impossible." Sheldon gathered the brochures and papers he had in his lap and placed them aside. He knew Penny wasn't going to pay attention to them just then, as their history together had taught him. Despite Sheldon's best efforts to change the topic back to their original one, it never seemed to work. Nor did it this time.

"Well we're just going to have to try. For his own good." Penny seemed quite confident as she laid down on her couch and crossed her arms.

"I don't see any social convention that requires our intervention at all. Also, unless Leonard agrees to have cranial surgery, I somehow doubt we can do anything that would significantly affect him or his amygdala", Sheldon replied, hoping to discourage Penny from her futile project. He was sure it would bring nothing but trouble to him, depression to Leonard and several new articles to Koothrappali's and Howard's file.

Penny looked at him, feeling slightly irritated. Then she regained her original enthusiasm. "You want social convention? I'll give you one. The 'social convention' in this is that I can't live with the guilt of Leonard simply waiting for me until I finally die one day."

Sheldon actually smiled delightedly (for real, not Joker-style). He made sure he'd understood her correctly. "So we're actually doing this to make you happy?"

Penny was about to argue, but then she just mumbled "yes". She eyed him, pretending to be annoyed of his amusement. "So do you know how we could get him to hate me?"

"Is our aim to get him to detest you or to simply redirect his emotional investment elsewhere from you?"

Penny thought for a moment. "Well I guess the main idea is to get Leonard a girl he actually likes, but if we can't accomplish that, then we'll take the 'easy' route out."

"Alright then. Are you ready to move as a result of our actions?"

"No."

"In that case I suggest we opt for the first option rather than the latter."

"Okay, works for me." Penny waited for his 'list of ways to estrange a–whatever Leonard counted as', but he remained silent and looked royally confused. "What, Sheldon?"

"Why am I helping you? I know I should've lead with this, but you often have me go along with your 'escapades', if you will, before I have the time to decline your demands, however senseless they may be. I'm opposed to this idea on its very basic level and I have no desire to help you with this at all, therefore I'm not going to do so", he said, talking to her as well as thinking aloud.

"Ah, but as it turns out, you and me are friends", Penny told him all the while smiling victoriously.

"It's 'you and I', Penny, not 'you and me', and what about the two of us being friends?" Sheldon asked her, having forgotten his confusion and returned to his usual level of bewilderness towards his friends- and Penny.

Penny got up and walked over to her cupboard where a little slip of paper stuck out. She grabbed it and read its content out loud: "Alright, you and I are friends, and I hereby invoke, as you have done before, the integral part of the implied covenant of friendship: the favor."

"You read that from a piece of paper?"

Penny beamed, placing the paper slip back to the cupboard. "After you asked me for a favour, I asked Leonard to write down instructions so I could do the same and you'd actually understand it."

Sheldon sighed, defeated for once. "Alright, apparently I'm obligated to help you. Thus we return to your original question. As history, fictional stories, entertainment and so forth tell us, the easiest way for a woman to anger a man is to have sexual relations with his friend."

"But that would mean..one of you guys." Penny looked at Sheldon who didn't seem alarmed. He nodded in response. She thought aloud: "Howard is not an option. Then again, he'd be the easiest. Since Howard also likes plans like this, he'd probably go along with the plan so we wouldn't even have to hook up for real."

"Yes, but if you dated Wolowitz, Leonard would simply worry over you and your apparent lack of self-esteem." His comment surprised Penny as he sounded almost like a normal human being.

"Okay, well Raj then. He's cute, he just can't talk to me without being drunk."

"Another no-no, as apparently dating a man who hardly even speaks to you is also a sign of low self-esteem."

Penny looked at him with eyes the size of tea plates. "Alright, that does it. What is it with you today?"

Sheldon was taken aback. "What ever do you mean?"

"Usually you have absolutely no clue of the basic human emotions, but now you do, so you're either a clone or...Oh my god! It happened. That thing Howard said. The mis–mits- mitosis! You had mitosis and now there's two of you!" Penny exclaimed and drew her hands up in defense as if Sheldon's evil twin (= in his case, a regular twin) was going to suddenly charge her.

Sheldon was amused and raised his eyebrow, Spock-style. "As useful as having two Sheldons to work for mankind would be, I regret to inform you that my temporary insight into these matters is simply the result of my mother sending me romance novels as a fruitless effort to spike my interest in women."

"Oh. She wants grand-kids, doesn't she?"

"Well, she hasn't expressed her wishes in so many words, but my sisters have translated to me what her subtle hints have meant."

Penny grinned. She imagined what being related to Sheldon had to be. Then a thought occurred to her. "So you've never been involved with anyone, have you?"

Sheldon estimated his life from its very beginning to this moment."Well I suppose I did have a relationship of sorts with Ramona. But it lacked the carnal aspect which you seem to value, so by using your requirements, I have never dated anyone, and for that I'm glad."

"You know sweetie, dating is actually pretty great. I know my latest attempts have been failures, but before 'the bitter end', it was always awesome."

"There are too many variables, along with all the unhygienic frivolity and at the worst, one ends up, like Leonard and Howard did, hopelessly pursuing someone who simply isn't interested. I hardly see the upside in that. Also, in the case of us four, any pursuits will undoubtedly end in humiliation."

Penny got up to sit. She knew dating was different for her four geniuses, but Sheldon's take on their chances seemed downright depressing. "You really think it's that bad?"

"Yes. I could go on but I think I've made my point. Let us return to our main objective. We ruled out Howard and Raj. Then what?"

Penny began ruling people out. There was that Kripke guy but he and Leonard hardly counted as friends. Besides him, the only person in Leonard's life she really knew was Leslie, but perhaps a lesbianic relationship was going too far. She sighed in exasperation. "Argh! I don't know anyone! I mean, if we leave Howard and Raj out, Leonard's only other close friend is you."

Sheldon looked at her. She returned his gaze, and then her eyes lit up. Sheldon sensed danger and got up. Penny got up as well and looked very excited. He lifted his arms so she couldn't approach him. "Stay away from me, woman!"

"Why not? You're his best friend and roommate-"

"Not for long if Leonard thinks I'm having sexual relations with you", Sheldon cut in.

"You really think Leonard would kick you out if he thought the two of us are hooking up?"

"Absolutely."

"Damn..Well, let's assume that it's not going to happen, anyway."

"Penny, is logic simply lost in you or do you actually believe that reality itself transforms just for you?"

"...Both?"

"Oh good Lord." Sheldon sighed and continued. "There's also a significant flaw in your plan. Leonard has known me for a long time, and he knows perfectly well that I have no desire in relationships, therefore our 'hookup' wouldn't be convincing at all, thus causing our plan to fail."

Penny's face fell. "Shoot."

"Also, you have, on several occasions, implied in Leonard's presence that you find me an undesirable mating partner. Added with our difference in attractiveness, I maintain that a plan involving you and I portraying a couple is going to fail." As he saw Penny begin to open her mouth to argue, he quickly continued: "I can't stress my last phrase enough."

Penny raised her hands in defeat. "Alright, alright. We'll think of something else."

"What I don't understand is why you all of a sudden seemed pleased of the thought."

"Well, because-" Penny started but then clammed up. The man next to her observed her expression as she pondered on his inquiry. "As it seems to be taking you some time to figure it out, I point out that we're getting sidetracked once again."

"Right. If none of Leonard's friends are available for the orchestration, what can we do?"

Sheldon was quiet for a while, then looked pleased with himself and pointed at her with his forefinger. "I think I've found the solution. You start dating someone."

"Sweetie, I've done that before and it didn't work."

"But this time you don't actually date the man in question. We can't rely on your actual choices to develop conveniently to our plan, so we find a man willing to pose as your sexual partner."

"I'm still not seeing how this is different in Leonard's eyes."

"Ah, but this man will move in with you. Before, you've only dated men for a brief while, so Leonard didn't have to relate them to you in any way. If you make a serious commitment, he will see that you are unavailable and most of all, happy with the man you're living with."

"The romance novels?"

"Affirmative." Sheldon paused as a thought occurred to him. "I don't suppose you're willing to marry for our plan?"

Penny let out a small chuckle. "No, Sheldon, Leonard's a good friend but not that good. But yeah, this plan of yours sounds actually really good."

"You sound surprised."

**Somewhere not in Penny's apartment:**

"I don't understand why you're so depressed, Leonard."

"Howard, I got dumped two hours ago. Get a frikkin' clue."

"Wolowitz is crude, but so are you. Chasing after two women at the same time..As a fellow nerd, I commend you, but the engineer's right, you brought it on yourself."

After Penny and Sheldon had taken off, the diversal duo had in vain tried to cheer Leonard up by taking him to the movies. Despite his good intention, Howard had been less than helpful as he had rambled on about 'other fish in the sea' and so on. Raj had been more sympathetic but as he had been absent-minded as of late, his subtle attempts at shutting Howard up hadn't significantly softened the blow of Howard's much more direct rant. Ultimately Leonard had asked Raj to drive him back home, promising to lend them his pile of Green Lantern comics (with the exception of the rare editions) in exchange for them to leave him alone. Just as they'd left Leonard in his apartment alone, they saw Sheldon appear from Penny's apartment. They heard Penny call out to him: "Keep a lookout, but I think it's best if I find our guy." Sheldon agreed and turned to see Howard and Raj standing there. "Oh, hello. Are you coming in?"

Howard shook his head. "Nuh, we were just going to head out." Sheldon nodded and left them in the hallway.

Raj turned to face Howard and leaned in real close. He raised his eyebrow in a suggestive manner. "My place?"

Within half an hour they were at Raj's flat, more specifically sitting on Raj's bed, listening to an audio file on his laptop. What alarmed them was the phrase: "I don't suppose you're willing to marry for our plan?"

"Wow, they sound serious", Wolowitz uttered.

"Yeah", Raj replied as they heard the last piece of the conversation between the beauty and the beast. "I'm so glad you installed this listening device into Penny's apartment."

"Yeah, well I figured since we had one at Leonard's, placing one in her's as well increased our odds of hearing their possible hookup. Apparently it proved useful for other purposes as well. Also, I got it for free from my buddy at the army, so it was no biggy."

"The same guy who helped us figure out where the supermodels lived?"

"The one and only." Howard kept his eyes on Raj but tilted his head away from him. "Do you think we should tell Leonard about their plan?"

"Of course not. I see nothing but gain here." They left the laptop in Raj's bedroom and made their way to his living room (which in Raj's case formed 80% of his apartment) where they sat on the couch.

Raj poked the pile of comics they'd left there. "I suggest we read the comic books together. Since we don't know exactly when Leonard is going to need them back, we can't be sure of how much time each one would get."

"Agreed." Howard turned to his right side, away from Raj to search for a clock but accidentally poked a pile of books on the stand next to the couch which all fell to the floor as a result. "Oh, sorry. I'll pick'em up." He bent down to reach for the items when Raj suddenly cried out "No no no no!" and pushed the little engineer aside so he could reach the books first. Howard hurt his leg as it hit the small table in front of the sofa. "Ow! What the frack, Raj?"

"Nothing. Sorry dude. Muscle reflex."

"No it wasn't." Howard saw him hide a small blue book behind his back. "What's that behind your back?"

Raj was in trouble. Wolowitz was the most curious person he knew. Usually this feature worked in Raj's favor, as with the case of Penny, Leonard and Sheldon he was usually collaborating with the man. Since usually Raj didn't have anything special going on himself, he'd been safe up to that particular moment. But now that Howard knew that he did have a secret, as there was no way he could explain this to him quickly enough not to arouse suspicion, the short man would use all of his waking time on finding out about it. "Howard, as your best friend, I'm asking you to let this go."

Howard's eyes literally sparkled. "Are your parents trying to set you up with another woman? No, that wouldn't be a secret. You like someone!"

Koothrappali sighed and centered his thoughts. "I'm not telling you anything. You will not try to steal my diary. You'll return here tomorrow so we can read Green Lanterns, but for the time being, I'm throwing you out."

Raj began pushing Howard towards the door. "You can tell me anything. Why is it a big secret? It's not a man, is it?"

"No, idiot." For such a little man, Howard was surprisingly strong (then again, against Raj, that wasn't saying much, since Raj lost to even Sheldon in arm wrestling).

"Is it a cross-dresser? Penny? Is it my mother?"

"No, no and hell no, and get out." Raj had almost managed to push Howard over his doorway. Howard kept on insisting. "So it must be someone Leonard has dated. Excluding Penny then." Suddenly he fell on the floor, because Raj wasn't supporting him anymore. He rolled on his back to see Raj looking at him uneasily. "Ah-Ha! I got it right, didn't I?"

"Good night Howard", Raj told him and closed the door, leaving 'Wolowizard' outside.

Howard got up and knocked on the door. "Raj! You're the one who drove me here! You gotta drive me home!"

A few days later since his planning session with Penny, Sheldon got a call from his mother.

"Hi baby, how are you?"

"Fine, mom. My weight hasn't varied in an alarming way and -"

"That's great hun'. What I was wondering was whether you've already repaid Penny."

"Repaid her? For what?"

"Shelly, she exhausted herself driving you here. You really haven't even treated her to dinner or anything?"

"I wasn't aware I was expected to."

"Figures. Well, you are. I may exaggerate a little but you owe this girl a lifetime of gratitude."

"Alright. What do I need to do?"

The call went on for some time and when it finally ended, Sheldon had become quite stressed because he had gotten himself a strict task list with a timeline.

"You're never going to guess what I found out, Leonard!"

Leonard cringed mentally. If this was something about Penny or Leslie, he probably didn't want to hear it, but when Wolowitz got into this state of frenzy, he was extremely difficult to calm down (with the exception of Penny. She seemed to succeed every time she tried the 'down, boy' on him).

But, since Penny wasn't around, the less painful option was to go along with him. "Lay it on me."

"Raj is in looooove", Howard said while crossing his hands and throwing them together on his right side to appear girly (he even lifted his leg). In contrast, he made his announcement in a very low Elvis-imitation voice.

"So? That's hardly unprecedented."

"Au contraire, my nerdy friend. This time it's a secret! And it might be someone you've dated!"

Leonard groaned. Raj had done the one mistake you could make with Wolowitz: given him knowledge of a secret. "And now you're going to dedicate all your efforts into finding out about this girl?"

"Of course!"

"I weep on Raj's behalf", Sheldon interjected from his spot where he was completing internet courses. "For what it's worth, I happen to know Raj's secret, and I advise you not to pursue it."

Leonard was taken aback. "You, Sheldon Cooper, know a secret, and you're going to keep it? You do remember what happened the last time, with Penny's secret?"

"Yes, but that secret was only a result of Penny's vanity, it held no significance outside her mind. This secret might, if revealed, have permanent damage on our social group."

"My vanity, you say?" They heard an amused voice call out behind them, and they turned to see Penny and Raj behind them. As per usual, Sheldon wasn't embarrassed over his words she'd overheard, as it wasn't anything he wouldn't say with her around. "Ah, Penny. I was hoping you'd come by. You weren't home earlier."

"I had a late shift. What's up?"

Sheldon motioned her towards the kitchen. Leonard, Howard and Raj stayed back, pretending to talk to each other but in truth listening to every word.

Sheldon kept his left hand behind his back, which reminded Penny of the historical dramas Sheldon had made her watch through ("this is payback for the Lake House!"). "Penny, would you be willing to join me for dinner? It's my treat."

"Sure, but why did you ask me separately if the guys are joining us?"

"They wouldn't be joining us."

"Oh. Why not?"

Sheldon felt he had done everything right up to that point, but he hadn't prepared for questions concerning the reasons behind his invitation. He was beginning to see why Leonard had such a hard time with the opposite sex. "Because I need to see you alone?"

Penny let out a nervous chuckle and smiled incredulously. "Are you asking me out?"

"Well, since I am asking you to go somewhere, and that somewhere is outside our homes, I guess I am", Sheldon agreed and stared at her with his earnest eyes. Penny raised her right hand to cover her mouth that betrayed her by smiling. Her life had become so strange after she'd moved here.

"Okay. When?"

"Excuse me?"

"When are we going out? I'm free this Tuesday, if that's okay."

"Yes." Silence fell between them. Sheldon pondered feverishly. 'I did what I came to do, now what?' Luckily for him, Penny was the only ice-breaker he'd ever need. She leaned in to kiss him on the cheek. "See you then."

Sheldon stumbled away from her, shaken. "Well, I must go.. now. To the gas station." Penny looked at him questioningly. "Leonard and I have an agreement. He drives me to work and back and in return I provide him with car supplies and occasionally gas too."

"Ah. Well, hop to it." Sheldon left and Penny turned to look at the rest of the gang who had been staring at her with their mouths hanging open. "What?"

Howard recovered first, as usual. "Penny, do you realize what just happened?"

She smiled at him. "Yes. Apparently I'm getting a free dinner."


	7. The Social Log Factor

My last update was longer than ever before because I knew there was going to be a small break. School is slowly killing me, and unless I spend my weekends doing homework, I'm dead on weekdays. It's better now though, since I got some stuff dealt with. Thank you for mentions of spelling errors and stuff. I usually write this as I'm watching the episodes, and then I check online for quotes. If those quotes include typos, they end up here as well. Feedback is always appreciated. For example requests for characters you'd like to see again or something like that.

**The Social Log Factor**

The guys were having a movie night featuring all the Batman movies ever made. Halfway through Batman&Robin however, Howard thought to have accidentally eaten something that included peanuts and had run off to the bathroom. Raj took his chance to talk to Leonard without Howard around.

"Leonard. Howard thinks I have a crush on someone you've dated. Could you make it look like it's Penny?"

"What? Why?"

Raj looked at him anxiously. "Have you even met Howard?"

Leonard remembered what Howard had rambled on to him the last time. "Right, you have a secret and Howard wants to know what it is."

"Exactly. It's urgent that he doesn't. I would never hear the end of it."

Leonard smiled, thinking back on all the times Howard had been on his crazed witch-hunt after secrets. Then something occurred to him. "So..Are you crushing on Penny?"

Raj thought for a while. "As much as on any woman. It's useless since I can't speak to them."

"I hear you." Leonard watched as Sheldon made his way to the kitchen to grab a sanitary pad. Then he leaned closer to Raj. "_What do you think is going on between Penny and Sheldon_?" He whispered.

Raj followed his glance. "_You talkin' 'bout their date_?"

"_It's not a date!_" Leonard snapped.

Raj looked at him in a very amused manner. "_Oh, it so is. To top it off, I hear someone's coming to prepare Sheldon for his 'hot date'_", he smirked at Leonard, who didn't look happy at all.

"Who?" he asked, forgetting to whisper. Sheldon who returned from the kitchen looked at him questioningly. "What are you talking about?"

Leonard and Raj glanced at each other, and then replied in unison: "Nothing."

"Ah, so it was about me", Sheldon stated as he sat down on his spot. As the two nerds stared at him, looking very surprised, he replied: "Penny taught me that if people are whispering about you, they reply 'nothing' when asked about it."

"Uh huh", Leonard muttered. He tried to act casual (which in Sheldon's case wasn't necessary as he would hardly think there was anything behind his roommate's question) but he had to ask. He attempted to appear to be talking out loud when he remarked to Sheldon: "You know, you two have been spending a lot of time together, you and Penny." He observed Sheldon's facial expressions as the tall man pondered on his statement.

"I suppose we have. My log of social interactions has been more crowded as of recently, and the other party involved has been Penny sometimes even more often than you, Leonard."

Raj shot a knowing glance at Leonard, who scowled in return. "So, what have you guys been talking about?"

"I can give you my log, if you're interested in a more in-depth display of our conversations."

"No, that's-" Leonard started talking, but Raj cut him off. "Actually, I'd like to borrow it, Sheldon."

"Oh, fair enough. I'll go get it." Sheldon hurried to his room. Leonard turned to look at Raj. "What are you planning?"

"Are you kidding? That file is my ticket to salvation. Once Howard gets his hands on this, we'll analyze this for weeks. He'll forget all about me and my 'thing'."

"So I don't need to make it appear as if you like Penny, either?" Leonard smiled victoriously.

"Leonard, you little..little..." Raj forgot what he was going to say when Howard finally appeared from the bathroom. "Hey guys, sorry but you might not want to use your toilet for an hour or two. I think the meat had gone bad or something."

Leonard twisted his nose in disgust. He was about to order Wolowitz to clean up his own vomit when Sheldon returned with the papers. He handed them to Raj, who showed them to Howard, looking very excited.

"Raj, what is this?" Howard asked him. As Raj kept shaking the papers, he couldn't see the title on the papers that his friend was waving in front of him. He grabbed the papers and read the cover title. He raised his eyes and looked at Raj questioningly. "Is this..?"

"Yes. The complete log of Sheldon's social interactions, featuring Penny."

Howard was at a loss for words. Slowly he turned to see Leonard looking at him. He gaped, then he appeared to scream without sound. Then he came to and grabbed Raj by his arm. "We'll see you guys later!"

As they disappeared behind the door, Sheldon looked at Leonard. "What was that about? I'm once again baffled."

"They're just curious over you and Penny. They want to know what you do in her apartment when we're not around."

"I hardly see the attraction."

"You wouldn't, would you?"

**The Cheesecake Factory, Friday:**

Penny was just finishing her shift as she heard Rick, one of his co-workers talking to another member of their staff. "Oh man. I just broke up with someone, and I'm out of an apartment. What am I supposed to do?" A girl's voice answered: "I wish I could take you, but I live with my mum. Do you know anybody here..?" "Nuh, I just moved here recently. And after we broke up, all of our friends sided against me. Real smooth."

Penny thought for a moment. Sheldon **had** told her to let him find the candidate, but this was clearly a coincidence induced by destiny (Penny isn't familiar with the law of large numbers, so in her world coincidences **do** exist). She had never talked to Rick before, not counting greetings like _hello_, _bye_ and so on, but she'd gotten the impression that he was a nice enough guy. Since he was also good-looking, he wouldn't raise suspicion. _He'd be just perfect for this_, she though to herself.

"Rick?" She called out to him. "Can I talk to you for a sec?"

Rick told the girl he was speaking to that he'd catch up with her later, then he came up to Penny, flashing her an open smile. "What's up?"

Penny raised her eyebrow. "I have a proposition for you."

**Leonard's and Sheldon's apartment, meanwhile:**

Leonard heard a knock on the door and went to answer it, only to find Missy on the other side. "Hey! Sheldon didn't mention you were coming over."

"Oh, I spoke to cutie pie on the phone and I though he would deliver the message. He was pretty quiet after answering, though", Missy replied.

"Cutie pie? Oh, Raj. Yeah, actually I think he mentioned something, but we were interrupted." Leonard went into a trance of sorts: Missy often had that effect on men.

Missy herself was unnerved by Leonard's blatant oogling. To escape the situation, she asked: "Is Shelly around?"

Leonard returned back to Earth. "Sure. Sheldon! Your sister's here!"

Sheldon was surprised and he was sure Leonard must've been mistaken. He made his way to their living room nonetheless to see his twin sister at the door. "Ah, Missy. You usually call before you come over."

Missy opened her arms and pulled Sheldon into a big hug. "I did, but apparently Raj didn't tell you."

"Oh, fair enough. So, what are you doing here?"

"Can't a sister come see her brother simply without a hidden agenda?" Missy smiled so widely that even Sheldon knew something was up. He gave his sister an expectant look.

Missy sighed and surrendered. "Okay. Mom called and told me you had a date. Of course I had to come and see it for myself! I thought this would never happen to you, and I'm so proud. Who is she?"

"It's Penny, but it's not a date", Leonard remarked.

Missy saw her brother's facial expression change and felt overjoyed as she noticed he seemed to disagree with what his roommate had said. She smiled mysteriously. "Well, _anyway_, tomorrow I'm taking you out shopping, Shelly."

Sheldon sighed. "If I must." In the Cooper family, or more specifically Sheldon's case, 'shopping' meant that the females of his family hid his regular clothes and then bought him something they deemed 'cool' and 'hip'.

Missy knew what he was thinking. "Don't worry Shelly, this time we're doing something different."

Rick's apartment, Lexington Heights:

After some convincing, Rick had agreed to help her and himself out by agreeing to go along with her plan. She'd suggested that he'd move in immediately, but he said he needed time to pack and so on and furthermore, his lease would only expire next week. He also noted to her that she might want to prepare for his arrival by telling the guys things about him, instead of him just showing up, unannounced, thus making their charade more convincing.

"Are you sure you're fine with not dating until we accomplish our goal?"

Rick winced. "After my recent break up, I'm going to need some time anyway, so I'm cool with that. Besides, I could use some company since all my friends ditched me." He wrinkled his forehead. "So let's repeat our plan so far. I pretend to be your boyfriend so that this guy will give up on you and leave?"

"No, Leonard's not a stalker. I want him to give up on me and find someone else. But I still want to be friends with him."

"Uh, okay. And you're convinced that this is a good plan?"

"Well Sheldon said so, and despite his utter lack of social know-how, I'd trust him on this. He has surprised me before."

"And Sheldon is..?"

Penny blinked. "He's..Leonard's roommate."

"What was that pause?" Rick asked with a smirk.

"Nothing!"

"I'm sure."

Penny pretended to hit him. The plan was coming together quite nicely. She couldn't wait to show Rick off to Sheldon. _It's best if I find our guy my ass_, she thought.


	8. The Unexpected Development Paradigm

Yes, Raj's secret is my own creation, with which I plan on curing his fear of women. You'll see. I'm finally about to get to where I want to take this, it just takes a while since it's not realistic for anyone to just jump on each other. Especially with Sheldon in the picture. I got to play around with Rick's style of speaking (he hides it at work, but when he trusts someone, like Penny here, he lets it out). And no, this is not a nasty stereotype, he just talks that way. I tried to make him someone more in Penny's wave length since the nerdy quartet uses such proper language. His other qualities link into this story later.

**The Unexpected Development Paradigm**

**The mall, Saturday:**

"Where are you taking me?" Sheldon asked as his sister dragged him into a store whose label said _Men's wear_.

"We're here to get you proper clothes for your date with Penny, Shelly. You didn't think mom and me-"

"Mom and I._"_

"Okay, mom and _I_ would let you go on your first date ever in that t-shirt?" Missy finished her sentence, pointing at his light brown Flash t-shirt he had thrown over a striped sweater.

"Difficult as it may be for you to understand, I like these clothes. Furthermore, Penny and I aren't going to perform a bio-social exploration with a neuro-chemical overlay, as you seem to suggest", Sheldon replied in a cool tone.

Missy's mouth hang slightly open. "I am?"

Sheldon, used to his twin's limitation's, attempted to clarify. "You claim that our date is of a romantic quality, whereas in truth it's not. Firstly, our mother said I owe Penny and in order to clear my debt, she told me to buy her dinner. Secondly, I don't want to lose my home."

Missy had gotten used to his brother's scientific use of the English language, but this time she got the feeling he wasn't making sense for another reason. "Come again? What does your apartment have to do with this?"

"Forgive me. I seem to have skipped a little too far for your undeveloped brain to follow", Sheldon 'apologized' and Missy punched him in the arm. He continued in an overly simplified way. "I live with Leonard. His sex drive is targeted towards Penny. Said sex drive includes an emotional attachment. If I were to engage in frivolous activities with her, I'd soon get kicked out by Leonard. Do you understand now?"

Missy looked at him firmly. "Remember what I did the last time I came to visit?" She flashed him a dangerous smile he recognized. He hid his crotch with his hands. She laughed. "Don't worry Shelly, I'm not going to kick you. At least not now. To return to our original topic, didn't you live in that place first? He can't kick you out of your own home, can he?"

"We both pay rent the same amount. Despite the fact that I lived there before him, neither one of us would have an advantage in this matter. But even if he didn't throw me out per se, he could make me leave using other methods, such as touching my food and changing the contrasts on the TV."

Missy snickered. Sheldon didn't think he'd said anything amusing. He turned around to see if there was anything humorous behind him, but didn't find anything. "What is so funny?"

Missy tilted her head to her left side, smiling. "You keep insisting this isn't a date, but you've clearly thought _a lot _about what would happen if you and Penny were to date."

"Well, of course. Since I'm not as apt as common people such as you are in social conventions, I try to be aware of of the biggest blunders I could make, and avoid them", Sheldon replied in a light tone, trying to appear casual. His sister had always been good at digging up his feelings. She wasn't curious by nature, she just wanted to know _his_ secrets. As he was constitutionally unable to lie or keep secrets, her inquiries were like shooting a sitting duck. She also had an unnerving habit to come up with explanations and hidden agendas to his observations, when there were none. At least, he thought there wasn't.

Missy knew she was onto something. "So, do you only avoid getting into a relationship with Penny or Leonard's love interests in general?"

_Missy should take up role-playing,_ he thought, _she'd make an excellent strategist_. "Missy, there is no relationship for me to venture in. Nor do I have the desire for one", he stated nervously.

His twin listened to his words, but she was more interested in his sudden change in complexion. He was actually blushing. However, Missy knew not to rub it in: when Sheldon got too excited, he had a habit of either getting a panic attack (see chapter 1 of _the CooperCheesecake Conundrum_) or passing out (a Big Bang Theory-verse-supported fact). So, she needed to find him a suit before the night was over, as she had to leave the next day.

"Whatever you say Shelly. But despite everything you said, mark my words. It is a real date, and you should dress and act appropriately", she said as she motioned him to the nearest shop assistant.

As his sister and the shop assistant started trying different suits on him, Sheldon began analyzing Missy's words. If she was right and it indeed was a date, he would have to go online to find out what was expected of him. He'd ended up on this date _entirely _against his own will, so he couldn't be blamed for it. All he had to do was to ensure the success of this rendez-vous. He was already feeling satisfied over his conclusions when he remembered Leonard's attempts at the same thing, and he sighed. "Missy, I think I'm going to need your help with more than just the suit."

Missy knew how hard it was for her brother to accept her as the more savvy one in anything, so she didn't gloat (out loud), just smiled. "I know."

**Penny's apartment, Saturday:**

In order to appear as a normal couple, Penny and Rick needed to get to know each other. Thus, they had spent the last three hours talking about themselves to each other. Finally they were done. Penny took a long sigh. "Okay, now we know each other better than any of the guys I've gone out with. Do you need me to give you a city tour?"

"Nuh, ah been here once before at a Comic-con. This guy I met there showed yours truly around. And of course my boyfriend too, for the entire 2 weeks we managed to live together."

Penny was baffled. "You're gay?"

Rick chuckled. "D'uh?"

"No, I definitely took you for a straight guy. Not that this has any effect on our plan, I'm just surprised." She gave into her nosy nature. "So, why'd you two break up?"

"Ya 'member that guy from Comic-con? I met 'im again a few weeks back. I bought him dinner, but he still wouldn't speak to me. He seemed pissed. Long story short, my bf saw us and flipped."

"He thinks you cheated on him?"

"U no it", he replied.

Penny patted his shoulder. "That's terrible. But. I'm going to go get Sheldon so he knows I already found a guy for the part. I'll be back in a giffy."

Rick waved his arm in goodbye and slumped on her couch. She made her way into the hallway and knocked on the guys' door. Leonard opened it, glad to see her. "Hi Penny, what's up?"

Penny, in contrast, was disappointed. "Is Sheldon there?"

"Nuh, he's out with his sister."

"Missy? When did she come, and why didn't she come to see me?" This was the first time Penny had heard anything about her arrival.

"She's on some quest with Sheldon, which can't involve anyone else but those two. Or that's what Sheldon told me", Leonard replied to her question. "Missy's story might differ from his a bit."

"I see. Well, I'll see you." Penny was about to head back into her place when Leonard called after her.

"Penny, wait." She turned, and he took a step towards her. "What was it you wanted to say to Sheldon?"

"Oh, nothing. I'll see him tomorrow." Penny was about to leave, but then she got an idea. This was the perfect moment to show off Rick to Leonard. "Are the guys coming over for dinner?"

"Yeah, they're already here. Sheldon should be back any minute with the food, since Missy's driving", Leonard motioned towards his apartment and she could see Raj and Howard through the door. They waved as did she.

"Can I join you?" Penny asked sweetly.

"Of course?" Leonard replied, slightly taken aback as Penny didn't usually specifically ask for a permission to join them.

"Great. Rick!" She called, looking at the door of her apartment. Soon Leonard saw a lithe, dark-haired man appear to the doorway. He walked up to Penny and nuzzled her neck.

"Hi, gorgeous." He then proceeded to shake Leonard by the hand and introduced himself. "Nice to meet you. I'm Rick, Penny's boyfriend."

Leonard was immediately on guard as usually Penny's boyfriends had either ignored him or beat him, Kurt having done both. This 'Rick', however, seemed genuinely nice. He shook the hand offered and replied: "Nice to meet you Rick, Penny's boyfriend. I'm Leonard, Penny's neighbor."

Rick's expression changed slightly. "Ah, I've heard a lot about you!"

"Whereas _I_ haven't heard a thing about you", Leonard retorted.

"For once this way around, huh?" Penny grinned, reminding him about the time he first introduced Stephanie to Penny.

"You're not going to let that go, are you?" Leonard asked and she shook her head, smiling.

"So, there's some history between you two?" Rick asked, startling Leonard but Penny remained calm in keeping with their plan. "Yes, but it's over now. After all, I'm with you now", she said and wrapped her arms around him.

"So, are we going out tonight?" Rick inquired, bowing his head like a true gentleman, taking her hand as if in a request for a dance. _You're going a little over the top now_, she thought, shaking her head vigorously.

"No, I'm gonna grab dinner with these guys. Soon we'll have all the nights in the world, so I gotta spend time with my friends, too", Penny denied him squeezing his hand.

"Okay, then. Leonard, good to c ya. Penny." Rick placed his hands on her shoulders. They both knew they had to kiss, but it was something they hadn't planned for. They looked at each other for a while, unsure what to do, but then Rick solved the situation by saying: "I can't do it with him watching!" He pointed at Leonard who was indeed staring at them. Rick kissed her on the cheek and left, waving her goodbye. Penny turned to Leonard. "He's so shy", she told him. She smiled to herself as they joined the diversal duo in the guys' living room. Rick was a genius: now they wouldn't even have to kiss for Leonard to think they were together!

**Caltech cafeteria, Monday:**

"Let me guess. Penny has a new boyfriend?" Raj asked. Leonard had done little besides mope all weekend, and even though he hadn't said anything, it didn't take a Ph. D to figure out what was bothering him.

"Yes, but it seems different this time."

"How so?" Howard cut in.

"Usually her boyfriends are horny jerks, but this guy wouldn't even kiss her with me next to them. And she said _he's so shy _in a 'he's so adorable'-tone. What's up with that?"

"Oh the calamity. She actually finds someone tolerable and you go into a mope frenzy", Raj remarked.

"I think the key here is that the one she found isn't Leonard", Howard pointed out, as if Leonard wasn't even there.

"Gotcha."

"Oh, thanks for support, guys", Leonard retorted and got up to leave. As he went to leave his tray, his eyes met with Leslie's. She was sitting with a mixed group, some people Leonard recognized, some he didn't. He smiled to her. She twisted her lips but Leonard couldn't decipher whether her lips formed a smile or something else. Then, the moment passed, she shifted her eyes back to her friends and Leonard left (but quickly returned to leave his tray).

Raj and Howard watched him go and when they were sure that he wouldn't return, took out their paper work. As Sheldon's log had been quite extensive, they had limited their analysis to the recordings of the last few months. Also, they had split the work load in half to work faster.

"What do you have?" Koothrappali asked Wolowitz since he'd been tasked with the first half.

"A gradual increase in social interactions AND activities together, but not much on verbal insinuations. You?"

"Lately they've been having strange conversations and Sheldon seems more baffled than ever over Penny", Raj began going through his charts and notes.

Wolowitz cut him off. "Wait, strange to us or strange to Sheldon?"

"Strange to us. Sometimes Penny seems to be either flirting with him or indirectly suggesting they should go on a date. Remember when she made him help her fool Leonard, and she seemed disappointed when Sheldon didn't think it was a good idea for him to pose interest in her?"

"Yeah?"

Raj, seeming stoked, continued: "In addition to the audio file we have from their agreement to fool Leonard, Sheldon's written down some guidelines as to what he might feel and furthermore, what she might be feeling."

"So? Doesn't he usually do that?" Howard didn't see why Raj seemed so excited.

"No. If you look at the beginning of Sheldon's log, he didn't use to record _his_ feelings. Before he simply wrote down every phrase said in the conversation, guessed why people acted the way they did and then later he asked Leonard for further assistance. But he never described his own feelings."

"Okay, that _is _brilliant. When did this change?"

"Apparently right after he gave us his questionnaires", Raj concluded victoriously.

"This is an unexpected development. But boy it's awesome", Howard mentally patted both of them on the back. Then he grew more serious. "Do you think Penny's new boyfriend is the 'actor'?"

"Most probably. Let's play along. This should be fun", Raj said placing his elbows on the table and leaning his right cheek on his hand.

**The guys' and Penny's hallway, Tuesday night:**

"Penny. Penny. Penny."

Upon hearing his familiar knocking, Penny opened the door, revealing Sheldon in a tux. Being used to his unique style that merged plaid with comic books, that was the last thing she was expecting. She noticed that his bow tie featured Green Lantern: at least that much of himself he had carried off into this transformation. "You look very handsome", she finally managed.

"Thank you. You look very beautiful in that blue dress as well", he replied as he handed her a rose.

As she accepted the flower and returned to her apartment to find a vase for the tiny rose, she commented to Sheldon who followed her inside: "You're acting in an unusually agreeable way."

"My sister gave me tips on how to not 'blow' this", Sheldon replied whilst checking he had his wallet with him.

"So Missy wrote you a check list, and you memorized it?" Penny asked. She imagined the list being constructed along these lines: #1 Complement her dress and mention its color #2 Make sure you have your wallet etc. She didn't want him to stress since the best part of being friends with Sheldon was that they could talk without hesitation (though sometimes Sheldon took it too far, like that time with tampons).

"I have an eidetic memory, I just needed to look at it."

Done with the flowers, Penny walked over to him. "Sheldon, let's just be ourselves, okay?"

Sheldon slowly nodded in agreement. "Then, shall I go change into my usual clothes?"

"Absolutely not. Now, let's go." She drove them to a Vietnamese restaurant Sheldon had picked from his list of Sheldon-approved places to eat at. They got in and ordered. Silence fell between them. It was so unlike them: both in fancy outfits and in a very formal environment. Sheldon tried to think of possible conversation openers, but nothing seemed to fit.

"jIH SoH lIj", he finally uttered. Then he realized what he'd just said. "I mean.."

"What about my socks?" Penny thought he had told her 'may I take off your socks?' in Klingon but she wasn't wearing any, so it didn't make sense.

"I didn't mean to say that", he quickly said, "Wolowitz showed me possible ice breakers before so that I wouldn't have as hard a time in making small-talk. He told me it's best to start the conversation and lead through, but my sister said I should liste–-"

"Sheldon", Penny interrupted him.

"Yes?"

"Why are we here? Why the invitation?"

"I need to thank you for driving me to see my mother when she ended up in a hospital. Mum told me to show you 'thanks' by buying you dinner."

"So we're actually here because your mother?" Penny asked, feeling slightly...disappointed?

"Well, yes, but as I've observed with a number of cultures, it's very common for a date to take place at a family member's initiation. Missy emphasized greatly that this is a real-"

"Date?" Penny smiled widely.

"Well, I was skeptical at first, but all things considered, yes."

Their orders arrived and they began eating. Sheldon bickered for a while with the waiter as he wanted to ensure to integrity of his food, but this was over relatively soon for his standards, as he suddenly remembered #11, don't argue with your waiter.

After they had eaten they stepped outside into the street to walk for a while. Just then Penny got a phone call from Rick. She answered it. "I'm kind of in the middle of something, can this wait?"

"Unfortunately no. My landlord kicked me out. Is it okay if I move in tonight?"

Penny cursed her luck. "Alright. Start loading your car, I'll drive over there." She turned to face Sheldon. "I found a guy to pose as my boyfriend, for Leonard, remember? And he needs to move in tonight. Is it okay if we switch to moving duties?"

"Do you feel sufficiently repaid for for tonight?" Sheldon inquired.

"Yes, Sheldon."

"Then I suppose so."

They drove to Rick's, but it turned out he had so little stuff that they fit in nicely in his car and as Rick had already packed, all they needed to do was drive back home. Despite the humid weather and how dark it was outside, it didn't take much muscles to carry his stuff upstairs as he had no bed nor other heavy pieces of furniture. Rick stayed behind at Penny's to get his things at least somewhat organized as Penny and Sheldon, both having changed back into their normal clothes, went to gather the last of his things.

Leonard, Howard and Raj had heard noises coming from her apartment, and went to check on her, only to find Rick there. "Hi!"

"Hello", they greeted in return. "Where's Penny?"

"She's downstairs with Sheldon. Actually, I better go join them, otherwise I'll forget my headlights on", he told them as he headed for the stairs. The guys followed him, curious to know what was going on.

"You're not moving in, are you?" Leonard 'casually' asked him.

"Actually I am." Rick flashed them a wide grin. Leonard's face fell. Raj tried to get a good look at Penny's new boyfriend, but first there had been bags in front of him and now he was facing away from him. He snorted in disappointment.

In the parking lot they saw the two apparently finishing their packing. They watched them from afar as they expected them to soon come their way.

"I had a real nice time", Penny told him.

Sheldon nodded, and then shot her a quizzical look. "Do you mean that this is where our date ends?"

"Well, yeah. We're back in our regular clothes and we're helping another person move. I think this is it", Penny summed up the indicators confirming that their date was over.

"Ah, okay. Well, goodnight then."

Penny nodded and was about to grab a few plastic bags when Sheldon stopped her. "What?"

Sheldon looked at her, his eyes expressing both surprise and confusion. Penny sensed he was hesitating, but she wasn't sure what for. "Sheldon, what is it?"

The tall man in front of her placed his hands on her cheeks, leaned in and pressed his lips on hers.


	9. The Tumor Discovery

I know, this is late, but you wouldn't believe the amount of work I've had. I'm sick now, so I finally have time to write this. Continues directly from the previous chappie. Frustration gets to me when I write a long chapter with eight pages or more but when it gets transferred to FF, it looks really short. This isn't eight pages, but you get the idea. I don't do "**tbc" **at the end of a chapter, so I worried if you thought it all ended with one kiss :)

* * *

**The Tumor Discovery**

**The parking lot, 00.45:**

Penny couldn't move (nor think for that matter) as he held her. When he pulled away, she just stood there, not completely understanding what exactly had just happened. _This is Sheldon. Sheldon. The 'I don't understand human relationships nor do I have any desire to understand them', 'you're sitting in my spot', 'you've never excelled at anything', 'so you finally did your laundry' Sheldon. _But, as she looked at him, seeing him as if for the first time, she wasn't thinking about his past harsh words; her mind was fixated on that moment in the hotel room when she had waken up to find him in the room, and what she had felt then.

Her thoughts were abruptly interrupted by muffled sounds. She slowly turned her head and saw Leonard, Howard, Raj and Rick staring at them. No, more like gaping at them. Leonard and Howard looked as if the last thing they had ever expected to happen was she and Sheldon kissing. After the initial shock, Raj turned to face Rick, who looked worried, obviously about their plan. His and Penny's eyes met: Rick raised his eyebrow questioningly and Penny nodded after a moment's hesitation.

What happened then was that Rick stomped over to Sheldon, punched him hard on the face, sending him flying and eventually hitting the lamp post behind him. Rick yelled at him something believable about making out with his girlfriend and banned him from ever coming to their apartment again. Then he grabbed Penny's hand and were about to move inside, when Raj grabbed his arm. Rick let go of Penny and looked at the Indian man for the first time that whole night. "Oh. Hi."

Raj didn't say anything (Penny was still there) but he looked as if he wanted to kill the man right there and then. Penny thought it was because Raj was Sheldon's friend and he wanted to avenge him or something, so he grabbed Rick to stop any additional fighting. As they left, she glanced at Sheldon, still lying on the ground, tended to by Leonard and Howard.

Leonard kneeled next to Sheldon and examined his head. His eyes were closed, and there was blood coming from the back of his head. "Guys, I think for once we get to take Sheldon to the hospital for a real reason." Raj told them he'd go get his car and Howard watched him go, grunting to himself as he went, and then turned to Leonard. "I, uh.. could you take him there by yourselves?"

"Come on, you're his friend. It's not like you have anything better to do. What's wrong?" Leonard asked him as he tried to wipe the blood away so he could see how big the injury was. Howard took a glimpse of the blood that ended up on the hand kerchief Leonard used and threw up.

Leonard looked at him, smiling sympathetically and said: "Oh, **that's** right."

* * *

**Penny's and Rick's apartment, 1 am:**

"I feel bad about hitting him", Rick told her some twenty minutes after the incident.

"I know. But he knows that this plan needs to work, so he'll understand. I'm pretty sure of that. Besides he looked fine when we left him."

"I just figured it was the only way..I mean, we go through all this trouble with moving and so forth and then he just goes and kisses you in front of the whole group. If I hadn't taken him out, it would've been beyond suspicious."

"Rick. _I know_." Penny stared in front of her, her eyes not fixed on anything in particular.

"Are you mad?" Rick sensed that she wasn't listening to her, so she decided to shake her by asking a personal question. So far, that had done the trick. "I'm sorry I interrupted your first kiss. So, was it any good?"

Penny's expression changed immediately from absent-minded to bewildered. "Whaaat?"

"Well, yeah, you two were in the zone and I ruined it", Rick continued, knowing his insistence would irk her.

"There's nothing-" she started, but as he looked at her knowingly, she continued in an annoyed tone "-absolutely nothing between..No." When she couldn't come up with anything to say, she stared him, wanting to wipe his victorious smile off his face.

"Then why are you blushing? You're not pale, so _it_ has to be pretty strong."

"_What_ has to pretty strong?" Penny asked, eying him in a displeased manner.

"Your denial."

Penny was going to argue him, but there was a knock on the door. She glared at him and went to open the door, only to find Raj behind it. "Oh, hi Raj. Did you-" she pondered whether he could've left something at her apartment, but couldn't think of anything. Usually conversations with Raj were pretty much her asking questions that ultimately lead to the right question he wanted answers to.

"Hello Penny", he replied and came in. _Drunk Raj is _not _a good sign_, Penny thought to herself but simply closed the door after him. This day and especially night had been strange enough already, a little more confusion couldn't hurt.

Rick, who had been sitting on her sofa, got up as he saw Raj. "Hi man", he greeted him, unsure what to say or do.

Raj stomped in front of him and hit him. Lucky for Rick, Raj truly has the upper body strength of a keebler elf, so he didn't even really hurt him. "You still suck at punching", Rick told him and smiled awkwardly.

"Don't you talk to me!" Raj yelled, moving back and forth around them. He really was drunk.

"Do you guys know each other?" Penny asked them, the truth starting to dawn on him.

"Yeah. He's the guy who showed me around when I was new here." Rick stared at the ground, looking embarrassed all of a sudden. "Except, back then he knew me by a different name."

Penny wasn't sure if she wanted to know, but as she was nosy by nature, she took the bait. "The name being.."

"Kimberly." Rick tried to look at Raj but the Indian nerd simply glared at him in response.

Penny didn't follow, at least not at first. Then she remembered what Leonard had told her some time ago. "You're Richard the green Orion slave girl?"

Rick tried to defend himself as they both looked at him, Penny near-laughing and Raj accusingly. "It was a dare by my friends. I'm not a cross-dresser. It was comic-con!"

"The dressing up-part was your friends' idea, but it was all you to get me to buy you dinner!" Raj shouted at him, moving closer to Rick, seemingly preparing to hit him again. "Do you have any idea what you did? After your stupid stunt, I haven't even been able to talk to a woman, because I'm afraid she's going to turn out to be a man, just like you! How am I ever supposed to get a girlfriend if I'm too scared of them to open my mouth?"

Rick tried to calm him down and raised his hands to reassure him (though ending up looking like a cop right before tackling the crook). "I'm sorry, I just thought no one would believe me as a woman!"

Raj pointed his finger at him. "I'm. Just. So. Angry."

Penny cut in at that point. She'd thought nothing would shake her anymore, but she realized she was actually really, really tired. "Raj, I think you better go sleep the alcohol off. You and Rick can talk about this in the morning. But don't say anything to Leonard, okay?"

"That's fine, we know about your little scheme, Penny. But I'm not drunk, so we can talk about this right here and now", Raj replied taking a threatening step towards Rick.

"Raj. Are you on that drug again?" Penny asked him.

"No?" His rage was momentarily subdued by her unexpected question.

"Then...you're talking to me. Like a normal person to another."

Raj looked at her. His eyes widened in realization. He nodded to both of them, then he turned abruptly and left.

* * *

**Huntington Hospital, 2 am:**

Leonard and Howard were waiting outside as doctors were examining their friend inside. The minute the hospital staff had seen the last name Cooper, they had been more than doubtful about his condition, but the blood dripping off his head had convinced them pretty quickly. Once Sheldon had been admitted inside, they noted that the examination was taking longer than they'd expected. Sure, there had been a lot of blood, but how many stitches could he need?

An hour later the door opened and a doctor, an old man with a receding hairline, appeared. "Are you waiting for Sheldon Cooper?"

Leonard and Howard stood up. "Yes?"

"Unfortunately I can't reveal doctor-patient information to you since you're not family or his emergency contacts."

Howard squinted. "What're you talking about? Leonard's been Sheldon's ICE number ever since Leonard moved in with him."

Leonard raised his arms behind his head and sighed. "Actually, Sheldon switched a year ago."

"What?"

"He thought that since he and I live in the same apartment, in the case of a fire we'd both die and thus make my designation pointless."

"So is it his mom or one of his sisters?"

"No, they live too far away to make it in time to make an informed choice about his medical state."

Howard observed Leonard's expression. He clearly looked uneasy. "Leonard, who is it?"

Leonard rolled his eyes. "You know who it is."

* * *

**Huntington hospital, ten minutes later:**

Penny and Rick showed up and as they saw Leonard and Howard, Penny ran into hug Leonard. "Is he okay? The doctor wouldn't say much on the phone."

"**You**'re Sheldon's emergency contact?" Howard asked incredulously.

"Yeah, he mentioned it maybe once. He said it was because I live close to him, but far enough that if Leonard dies in a fire and he's injured, I have a fighting chance to escape or something."

The doctor they'd spoken to before interrupted them. "You're the emergency contact?" Penny nodded and he continued. "If you'll step over here, I have something to ask you.." He and Penny talked for some time. Finally she nodded and signed something and the doctor rushed back inside.

Penny was left to stare after him. Rick walked over to her and put his arms around her. "Is he going to be alright? Is his brain okay?"

Penny covered her face with her hands. "The doctor said that if you hadn't hit him, they'd never found a tumor in his head." Leonard and Howard came closer as well. Howard pondered for a second. "But Sheldon's gotten his brain screened regularly for every cancer, tumor and whatever he could think of ever since he was twelve."

"The doctor said it was hiding behind some—I can't remember what it was—but anyway, and it may have been there for years. It shouldn't be dangerous, but there're always risks.." Penny couldn't fight the tears that were forming in the corners of her eyes. _What if he dies now?_


	10. The Shiksa Conclusion

"I'm baaaack.."

"I still don't know why you left."

Back to the game, and with a longer chapter than usual I might add. A coincidence, but a nice one at that. University starts next week, and it may or may not affect updates. Anyway, here you go.

* * *

**The Shiksa Conclusion**

**13 hours later, Huntington hospital:**

Howard, Rick and Penny were waiting in the hall for the surgery to be over. Howard and Rick were talking about whatever to pass the time, while Penny sat a bit further away from them, silent. Leonard had stepped out for a bit. As Howard saw Leonard make his way back to them, he asked him: "Did you reach Missy or his mom?"

"Her mom said that Sheldon's other sister is in some kind of a trouble right now, so she can't drive here, but she told me to call as soon as we know something. I tried calling Missy, but she didn't reply."

Leonard adjusted his glasses for lack of something better to do. He glanced at Penny, who was trying to stare a hole into the wall in front of her. Her knuckles were white merely out of her squeezing the chair on which she was sitting. Leonard realized that he hadn't really looked at her in quite a while. Stared yes, oogled even, but not just looked at her like a person looks at another when he wants to find out what the other is thinking. Her eyes were puffy, the make up she'd put on for her evening out with Sheldon _why? Why would Sheldon take her out?_ had worn out and was currently making its way down her cheeks, making her look a bit scary. The contrast between her dark make up and her normally tanned complexion that had turned very pale was quite a sight. Despite their seemingly relaxed conversation, Howard's expression was completely blank, as nothing like this had ever happened to him. Rick on the other hand was clearly uncomfortable. He wasn't Sheldon's friend nor did he belong to their group of friends. Also, with the added guilt of him being responsible for Sheldon's hospitalization to begin with, he was edgy, tapping his feet and hands on whatever he got his hands on. His ADD-like behavior was the complete opposite of Penny's. Leonard would've expected her to be shocked or scared, but her expression was that of pure concentration. _She cries often, but she is strong in situations like this_, he thought. Her eyes were moving as if reading something, and Leonard realized her lips were moving as well. In order to find out what she was saying, he approached her quietly, careful not to disturb her, and pretended to be listening to Rick and Howard's conversation. He squinted his eyes and tried to pick up on her words. He noticed that on her lap she had an item that resembled a framed picture, but Leonard couldn't see if it had an actual photo on it.

His train of thought was interrupted by the arrival of the same male doctor to whom they had talked earlier. They all got up to talk to him. After a permission from Penny, he told all of them that the surgery had been a success, but there was no telling whether complications would follow, so Sheldon was going to be kept in the hospital for the next few days. The doctor apologized for only informing them after a few hours after the surgery, _but on the good side, now you get to visit him right away._ In relation to questions about visitors, the doctor allowed only one person to go see Sheldon. He left them to decide as he had other errands to run.

As they watched the white-clad man walk away from them, they turned to face each other. Rick cleared his throat and was the first one to speak. "So... which 1 shood g0?"

"Leonard, I think. He's his roommate", Howard suggested, as he definitely didn't want to go in, in case Sheldon still had blood on him. He'd had enough of public humiliation for this set of 24 hours.

Leonard grimaced. He wanted to see Sheldon to make sure he was alright, but now that the moment was here, he only felt like yelling at him. Because he'd made him worry. Because even despite his constant x-rays, Sheldon hadn't been able to see this coming, no matter how omniscient he made himself out to be. Because he took Penny out and kissed her _Why/Why/Why? _in front of everyone, including her boyfriend...Rick. Leonard sighed. Why was this so complicated? He missed the times when even at the times his roommate was being his most obnoxious self, Leonard could always simply take him to the comic book store and everything was well again. Lately, he couldn't shake the feeling that Sheldon was hiding something from him, and for a man constitutionally incapable of keeping secrets, it was odd. _I'm getting a headache_, he thought and covered his face with his right hand. "I don't think I can deal with him right now", he managed to say before excusing himself to find water with which to down pain killers.

The remaining trio glanced at each other. Penny was now holding or more like hugging the frame. After a moment's silence, Howard took a step forward to uncharacteristically gently push Penny forward. "Penny, you go."

Penny swallowed and coughed a bit. "What?"

"Rick doesn't know him, and I hate him. You're our only option." Howard gave her a small nudge. His voice was incredibly soft. "_Go_."

Penny kept her eyes on both of them as she turned to the right direction. She smiled, hesitating, just about to cry as she whispered: "I'll tell him you said 'hi'." She disappeared behind the corner.

* * *

Rick and Howard stared after her. Without turning, Rick asked him: "You don't really hate him, do you?"

Howard gave him an amused side glance. "No, I suppose I don't. But she needs to see him more badly than I do."

Rick curled his lips a bit before he continued. "Are you sure you should be telling her boyfriend that?" As the situation had grown serious, he'd dropped the slang.

"Indeed, I shouldn't be telling her _boyfriend_ anything of the sort." Howard crossed his hands behind his back and stretched his arms and as a result, leaning forward with a pleased look on his face.

Rick stood up straight, surprised. "She told you?"

"No, but we have means of finding this stuff out." Howard circled him. "She means well, but the plan isn't exactly well-thought-out. Not Sheldon's style at all."

Rick attempted to step back in order to stop Howard. "What do you want?"

Howard pretended not to hear him. He was living his big villain-moment. "Brute as it was, the plan could've worked. That is, before Sheldon's interjection."

"The date and the big kiss? According to what Penny's told me, those will be easily explained by his inept social skills. He can just go _I saw it on Youtube_ or something."

"Leonard may not be a good scientist, but he's not an idiot either. Your plan is flawed and you need to accept that."

"Then what do you suggest in return?

Before Howard could answer, they heard a loud yell.

"Shut up!"

* * *

**Not quite meanwhile in East Texas, more specifically outside Missy's apartment:**

Missy, unaware of her brother's operation, got out of the cab and took the stairs to the second floor of her building. As she approached her door, she saw that there was a figure sleeping on her welcome carpet. Initially, she thought it was one of the hobos about to steal the carpet once again, but soon she recognized a familiar figure before her. She snickered, and touched the man's forehead with the edge of her heel.

Raj stirred, wondering a second where he was and then stood up, alarmed. He came face to face with Missy's playful expression. She reached out to detach one of the luggage tags Raj had had put on him at the airport, and which were still hanging from his curly hair. Then she simply put her hand on her left hip, and stood there, expectantly. She was smiling, wonderful as she was. Raj swallowed. "M-Missy." He cleared his throat to sound more convincing, but he had no time to say anything else as Missy wrapped her arms around him. There was but an inch of room between them. Until that moment he'd been scared of...everything really. Right then and there, however, Raj was sure. He leaned in to kiss Missy. She first playfully resisted him, but just as he thought he'd made a mistake, she kissed him long and hard.

* * *

**Back at the hospital, 1 second after we last saw Penny:**

Inside Sheldon's hospital room, Penny was spared the usual hospital routine of having to guess whether the loved one she was going to visit was dead or just sleeping, as she was greeted by Sheldon's alert eyes. She nearly dropped the frame in surprise. "Sheldon! You're okay!"

"I quite doubt that. The doctors here are largely incompetent, and they haven't given me access to the necessary data for me to evaluate-" Sheldon's annoyed rant was interrupted by Penny running up to him and wrapping her arms around him. She placed the frame on his night stand so as not to break it by accident.

Sheldon, squeezed tightly by the blond girl, found himself in an unforeseen but somehow familiar situation. Normally he avoided being confined like this because he never quite knew what to do in these situations. _But was this that bad?_ He assessed the situation at hand. His face was pressed on the area between Penny's neck and chest, and he could hear her heartbeat. She was radiating warmth. _As a social situation, this is most definitely a hug, so I should put my hands on her back to reciprocate_, he thought as he did so. As they'd embraced for quite a while, Sheldon found himself thinking _This is actually quite nice_. Regardless, his arms were getting tired, so he tried to find something with which to support his elbows, and was relieved when he found a piece of fabric to hang his hands from. Unfortunately the piece of fabric happened to be Penny's bra, which caused her to stir. "What are you doing?" she asked, a bit weirded-out.

"Nothing?" Sheldon had come to learn that when in doubt, it was best to say meaningless phrases signaling a lack of knowledge in order to avoid social misunderstandings. He celebrated in his mind as he saw Penny nod, implying that he'd avoided disaster again. _Then again, what had the impending disaster been? Oh, right, women find men touching their bras- and such behavior in general- inappropriate. Nice save._

"I brought your lucky charm", Penny said as she moved a bit away from him to sit comfortably on his bed and handed Sheldon the frame.

Sheldon raised his eyebrow questioningly (in a very Spock-like manner) and accepted the frame. Penny felt a warm wave inside her as she saw Sheldon's face light up. "Oh."

"I figured that the closest thing you would have for a lucky charm would be this." Penny's voice was soft, and she avoided his gaze. He raised the frame to admire once again the napkin Penny had given him. He noticed that a piece of white paper had been taped to the corner of the container Sheldon had fashioned himself for his greatest treasure. He read the line out loud: _"_jIH SaQ Daq joH'a' tlhej wIj ghogh, je ghaH answers jIH pa' vo' Daj le' HuD." He turned his gaze to Penny, who was fighting back tears, but smiling all the same. "_I cry to the LORD with my voice, and he answers me out of his holy hill. _Psalm 3:4? What is this?"

"I know you're not really a Christian like your family, but you're still one of _God's special little people_, and I'm sure he doesn't mind. Besides, it's in Klingon, so that whatever you believe or don't believe in are represented also", Penny tried to explain, but knew she wasn't making a whole lot of sense to him. She saw him look at her with his mouth hanging open, but she wasn't sure why because usually if he didn't understand something he just asked for further explanation.

Sheldon was, for the second time in the time he'd got to know Penny, speechless. She _understood_. His life was a never-ending contradiction between his career as a scientist and his upbringing as a Christian. He didn't quite know if he believed in all that, but if he were to pray, it would be in Klingon. He had no means of expressing his feelings, so he just stayed quiet.

After a moment of comfortable silence, Sheldon remembered. "Could you ask Rick to come see me, I need to thank him for punching my brains out."

"What? Why?"

"If it wasn't for him, the incompetence of this hospital's staff in performing my x-rays and such would have gone unnoticed and the tumor may have proceeded to a terminal condition before it was detected. However it pains me (literally) to say it, but I owe him my life."

Penny tilted her head to her side. "Okay, that makes sense. I'll tell him to come by later, but right now I'm the only person that can see you."

Sheldon nodded, and changed the subject, smiling oddly. "Is it too early to inquire if our date went fine in your opinion?"

"What?"

"It wasn't an operation induced hallucination, was it? That did happen, right?"

"No no, yes it happened. I'm just surprised by the question."

"Why? Isn't the evaluation of the success of the date an important part of the convention of dating?"

"I guess, but this is different." Penny got up and started circling the room quite similarly to Rick.

"How so? We went to a restaurant without other people that we know, we had dinner after which we kissed. If there hadn't been the Rick-moving-in-part in the middle of the last two, I would say our date was quite a traditional take on courtship."

Penny didn't understand where Sheldon was getting at. He wasn't interested in dating, and yet he was the one insisting that it had been a real date...and yes, it was also him who had kissed her. _Why?_

"Why did you kiss me? We had this whole plan with Rick to go through. Don't you think Leonard is going to be a little suspicious if **you**'re the one kissing me instead of Rick?"

Sheldon averted her gaze. "I had compelling reasons for what I did."

Penny stood with her arms akimbo. Her tone was demanding and she looked anxious. "Let's hear them then, shall we?"

Sheldon stared back, then, quite uncharacteristically, gave up. "Alright, I don't know."

"What do you mean you don't know? I thought you had knowledge of the entire universe and everything it contains."

Sheldon twisted his lips in annoyance. Being reminded of his own limits was always hard for him. "I only remember that I had quite many reasons to k—do it. Right now, however, the only one I remember is that you invited me to do it."

"I did what?"

"Your pupils were dilated all through the evening. Since I assume you're not doing drugs, I took it as a signal of sexual attraction." Sheldon had tilted his head to the side and he observed her confusion calmly.

"I can't help the way my eyes are, but I most definitely was not..." Penny's voice trailed away. Sheldon's expression irked her. He was acting like it would be completely normal for her to be _into_ him. _Nobody—I mean nobody—would think... _Suddenly she got the same kind of an awful feeling she used to get as a teenager. Her head kept swarming with negative thoughts. Penny tried to redirect her focus to Sheldon, who was waiting for her to finish her sentence, but she couldn't shake the anxious feeling. She held her head with her hands just to stop herself from crying or screaming.

Her posture, to any other observer, would have served as a warning sign. To the man struggling to read even the most obvious expressions of feelings, however, her silence meant that she probably was searching for the right words, her English being what it was. "Don't worry, I will assist you. You most definitely were not- signaling sexual attraction towards me? If that's what you're trying to say, can I interest you in some brochures that might help you with your drug problem?"

"Sheldon. Stop talking right now."

"Drug-related problems are quite common, so there's hardly any-"

"Shut up, shut up and shut up!" Sheldon clammed up and observed Penny to get further instructions on what to do. Based on the times they had previously fought, Penny having her hands up, whether on her head or simply crossed on her chest, was generally a bad sign. Her expression was a one Sheldon had never seen before, and for a man of routine and rituals, this was worry some. Just a moment ago everything had been fine. _If she truly is abusing narcotics, this might be withdrawal_, he considered for a while before dismissing it as unlikely. _Too sudden, as she was fine in the beginning of this conversation_. As her menstrual cycle would not be responsible for odd behavior for another week, low blood sugar was the more likely option. He looked around in vain to find something edible. As he wasn't supposed to move about before he would be released, Sheldon would just have to get Penny to nourish herself. "Penny, could you go get me something to eat? I'll pay you back. And get yourself something as well."

Penny eyed him for a while and got up. "Fine. I'll be back soon."

Sheldon moved his slender hand a bit to his right instead of actually waving and watched her close the door behind her. Without thinking, he raised his left index finger to his lips, and smiled. Then he caught himself and forced his expression back to normal.


	11. The Chocolate Cake Disturbance

I'm baaaaack!

I've also fixed some tiny things for previous chapters (my God how could I have miss-spelt that?), so there should be less typos and some sentences have been modified to make better sense. Also eidetic memory :D

Okay, I'm not promising anything, but whenever I have the time, I *might* do a chapter. Like now. It's short, but at least I ain't dead, right? :D

SPOILER (read only if you've seen all episodes "up to and including coitus"): Hooray, Leonard and Penny broke up! How I waited for the day when salvation would come..or something. Sheldon's new girlfriend (? We'll see) is not as much of a problem for me, as I think it will be quite humorous to see her interact with Shelly (unless they cop-out the whole thing and she is a no-show on the 4th season).

Back to my story:

I want them out of this hospital. Seriously.

**The Chocolate cake disturbance**

**3pm, Huntington hospital: **

Rick watched as Penny stormed by him. She seemed to be headed to the hospital cafeteria. Her expression indicated that she was not to be messed with nor spoken to at that particular moment, so Rick didn't bother going after her to see if she needed company. He put his forefingers on his temples and tried to relieve his headache by massaging them.

_Is this apartment really worth all this?_ He thought to himself. _Hm, I'm a 25 year old waiter who's saving up to do-I don't even know what. Yeah, what's a little plotting to get to live in a sweet apartment with nice neighbors?_

He felt a new weight on the bench, and looked to his left where he was greeted by Leonard's gaze. The scientist seemed to have trouble forming a sentence that would make sense. He began many times and coughed and gasped, but nothing came out. Right when Rick was about to say something to put him out of his misery, Leonard said:

"Okay, here's the thing. We're both a part of Penny's life. I used to date her, but you are with her now and that's not going to change, so we might just as well get along with each other."

A passer-by wouldn't have even seen Rick's eyebrows because Leonard had made them say 'buh-bye' to their owner. _Oh. HELL no_.

"So, I think we should try getting to know each other a little better. Try to find something that we both have in common and work from that. Are you uh- on board with this? Do you think it's ah." Leonard's voice trailed away as he was looking for a reaction from Rick, who was looking back at him, remembering quite clearly the day his father had walked in on him and his friend Alan with their pants down and how scared out of his life he had been back then. He answered in the same way he had answered his father when he had asked him if he understood that their Mormon neighbors might beat him up for being who he was.

"Yeah, but I'll be the one who sets the date. Shall we say seven at my place?"

"Well, I was thinking of- uh, tomorrow, since today we have the whole Sheldon-thing.. you know?"

"Okay, tomorrow then. Fine- with - me."

Leonard seemed relieved. His first man-date proposal, and the person in question had agreed to see him. Rick was so proud of him.

**A few minutes later at the hospital cafeteria:**

At the cafeteria Penny bought two expensive pieces of chocolate cake. Sheldon's inexplicable behavior was driving her nuts and he was going to pay for it, for once literally. As she started heading back to the room Sheldon was kept in, she started thinking about Sheldon's words. _He_ had the nerve to blame _her_ for the kiss that had thrown her off so completely? _Dilated pupils my ass_. She caught herself behind Sheldon's door, as she noticed she was nearly growling. _Keep it together. He's always been insufferable. This is just another level of crazy, that's all_, she thought as she pushed the door open with her right elbow, since both of her hands were occupied by the tray on which the delicacies were.

"Well hi there, Penny!" Mary Cooper, who was trying her best to tie prayer beads around her son's neck, greeted her fondly. Sheldon kept resisting but his mother was surprisingly strong and he was also raised not to fight a woman (not because of chivalry or anything but simply because he would lose, as his sister had taught him). His mother told him to sit straight and stop crouching. He obeyed with a small grunt.

"Hi Mrs. Cooper", Penny said as she handed Sheldon one of the plates. Sheldon accepted his plate with a little nod. He mouthed to Penny '_help me_' but she brushed him off with a sweetly vicious smile. "I didn't know you were already here, otherwise I would've brought you some too. Here, take mine and I'll go get another one", she suggested and tried to hand the older woman the remaining piece.

Mary waved her hand to refuse. "That looks delicious honey, but I think I'll pass. Why don't you and Shelly eat while I go call my daughters again, see if they'll pick up", she said and got up. "I'll see you kids later." She walked out of the room, leaving Penny and Sheldon to stare after her. When she was gone, their gazes met.

Their eyes were locked. Before she could think, her body moved on its own and took a step towards him. She sat down on the bed next to him.

Without breaking eye-contact, Sheldon placed his plate on his night stand. The proximity between them was quite..nerve-wrecking. Penny's lips were moving, but he didn't hear her speak. In a very soft tone of voice, he asked: "Excuse me?"

Penny leaned in, close-enough for Sheldon to feel her breath on his skin. "Do you now know why you kissed me back then?"

Sheldon's eyes widened. He glanced at Penny's eyes. Her pupils were once again dilated, indicating either sexual arousal or an opiate dependency, and as far as his (and Howard and Raj's) research had showed, Penny's vice was alcohol, not drugs. All signs seemed to indicate a green light for him to kiss her, but the last time he kissed her she got upset for reasons beyond his understanding. He wasn't even sure why he had kissed her in the first place. He decided to stay on Penny's good side until further notice (as in, until he figured out why he felt he needed to perform amorous activities with the waitress), so he was most definitely not kissing her again. Penny could be scary when she was mad.

Despite his resolve, the girl in front of her kept moving closer to him. She wrapped her arms around his neck, causing him to blush nervously. She shifted slightly to straddle him, but she didn't break contact with him at any point. Sheldon had never been in this type of situation before, and he was unclear as to what he was supposed to do. She didn't seem to be looking for anything behind his ears or something similar, she was just staring at him. The only person around he could ask guidance from was Penny, but he suspected she wouldn't explain her actions any better than what he could decipher. He tried to think back on TV shows for assistance. He suddenly remembered one movie that Howard had made him watch. The film was supposed to demonstrate how women could seduce men, or something to that effect. Sheldon figured he would never use the info, so he hadn't paid that much attention to Howard's efforts to educate him about seduction. In the film the woman had positioned herself just like Penny had right now, and according to Howard, he was supposed to... Blank. Sheldon couldn't remember a thing Howard had said to him. Having an eidetic memory, this meant he had never learned the info in the first place. He cursed himself. He gave up trying to figure it out, and decided to go straight to the source. "Penny. What- I mean what are you.."

"Your pupils are dilated", she replied softly. As he opened his mouth to argue, she covered it with her own. She felt him tentatively kiss back, eager but without the confidence of practice. She trailed down to his neck and enthusiastically sunk her teeth onto his pale skin as he tried to smother a moan.

They were interrupted by the sound of Mary Cooper's voice. "So can I take him home now?"

Presumably the doctor's voice answered. "No, we'll keep him here at least until tomorrow. He seems to be recovering quite well, though."

Penny practically jumped off of Sheldon's lap and grabbed her plate and started eating. Sheldon did the same.

"Thank you doctor."

"No problem."

When Mary walked in she saw two perfectly well-behaved little kids eating their cakes in peace. She smiled knowingly as she saw Sheldon's uncharacteristically flushed complexion, but said nothing.

"Those pieces of cake looked rather small, but apparently it takes a longer time than I expected to eat them", she pointed out to the duo, who sheepishly stared at their feet.

**4pm, Huntington hospital – East Texas** (phone)

Leonard finally reaches Missy, and Raj and her hurry to Sheldon's side.

Missy woke up to the sound of her phone ringing. She grabbed her cell, still half-asleep. "Mmmyes?"

"Missy? Oh thank _God_ you're there!"

"Who is this?"

"Leonard, Sheldon's friend, remember?"

"...sure."

"Well, never mind. You have to get back here. Sheldon's in a hospital!"

"He's always in a hospital. He loves getting x-rays done."

"This time it's a real tumor."

"Oh."

Missy took a deep breath. "I'll be right there."

She hang up, and gently kicked the figure sleeping on the floor. "Shelly's hurt, so we're heading back, sweetie pie."

Raj made an '_ingh_' sound and got up surprisingly fast. He felt as if he'd follow Missy anywhere.

**The next morning 10am, Huntington hospital:**

As Missy and Raj had arrived just when Sheldon was to be released from the hospital, it was decided that Leonard would drive Howard, Raj and Missy home while Mary would take Missy's car and drive Sheldon, Penny and Rick home (featuring a stop at the comic book store, of course). Howard face grew stiff at this announcement. "I think I'm going to head on home, I can get there on my own", he muttered, all the while avoiding looking at anyone. Before they could stop him he had already stomped off away from ear shot.

"What's with him?" Leonard asked. Everyone save Raj shrugged. He was still looking at his best friend's back, trying to decipher what was wrong.

"Come on, let's go already", Missy poked him gently and everybody got up in the cars.

In Missy's car, Penny greeted Rick enthusiastically as a girlfriend should, but her performance was shattered quite a bit when Mrs. Cooper asked her to hand her her bag from the back and Penny laid his hand on the seat to take support as she looked for the item, but when she joyously handed the item to Mary, she noticed that her hand was on Sheldon's thigh. The mantis was eying her quite nervously. Penny moved her hand away and muttered '_sorry_'.


	12. Announcements are never a good thing

In case anyone's still wondering, this story is dead. This is kind of blunt, yes, but I feel like I owe it to you to tell it straight up and not just continue to ignore this.

After I'd written about ten chapters for NHDH, I thought about writing another chapter to this story, but it just wouldn't come out of me. The intricate plot that was this story got too complicated and then I read the makers' interview, which stated that it's a good thing that for once there's a man and a woman with great chemistry but they aren't together-together, and it made sense to me. Also, in the fourth season Amy has more or less replaced Shenny-scenes so they hardly ever spend time together anymore, so inspiration equals zero right now.

I feel really bad about this, but I can't even really offer you guys a plausible "how it would've gone", just some pieces of the plot that I happen to remember. I had a great time writing this, and I learned a lot, so I wish I had something more but unfortunately I don't.

On a positive note, think about the parallel between my chapter _The mole postulate_ and how quite some time after I published it, Penny turned out to have a tattoo and Sheldon peeked at it. I thought that was pretty neat.

As promised, the plot a little further along:

The reason Howard was so depressed wasn't because he was in love with Raj (as one might have thought considering my later fics), he was just lonely that all the others were getting some. Eventually I would have integrated Bernadette into the story and he'd have gotten some too.

I had no plans for Raj and Missy, I suppose they'd have settled into a relationship where Missy would have had all the power in the relationship and Raj would've just gone "yes Missy" (because you know, she's hot).

Rick would have taken Leonard out. They both had the plan of getting the other drunk, and they would have succeeded. Rick might have spilled the beans about the "arrangement". This would have lead to..something.

I figured Leonard would have hooked up with Leslie again, but I think she has too much self respect for that. Hm. I think he would have been alone, not because I don't like him, but because his obsession with Penny would prevent him from really liking anyone else (though that hasn't stopped him from sleeping with every woman that has come his way..).

As for Sheldon and Penny, about whom you are probably most curious.. They would have kept this Rick-with-Penny-scheme going on for some time, but would have gotten caught kissing or something, but that's many other schemes away. Penny would have gotten a great job as a translator or something to that effect. Like I told you, it got really complicated and difficult. Writing the fic was generally very difficult.

The Penny of this story was quite melancholic at times, foreshadowing my fic NHDH. She has some self-esteem issues and she kind of uses boyfriends to either make or break her "image", and dating Sheldon would have been difficult for her as he wouldn't even pretend to be "normal" (as Leonard does). Personal growth, coming together as a person, that sort of thing.

Oh, by the way: Sheldon wouldn't have changed in any way because of the surgery because it would have been way too easy a plot device. I think I was trying to fool the readers intentionally to think he would change, though. I don't remember why. These days I'm much more reader-friendly (I think. The actual readers might disagree :D).

Again, _the Chocolate Cake Disturbance_ is similar to the scene where Mary gets Sheldon back together with Amy. I **am** psychic.

I'm sorry it had to end like this, but thank you for the good times and many, many reviews for this story.


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